What is the truth?

There are two sides to every story.

True.

But which side bears the truth?

We would want to believe that whoever is closest to us will always be the one telling the most truth hence we have the tendency to defend them, regardless. That’s just the kind of things we would do for the people we care.

Recently I was placed in a circumstance of hearing both sides of the story of why my friends’ relationship didn’t work out, but I was of course in no position to judge or make comments. I kept quiet of what I know, and I listened and tried to understand. Most of the time, I kind of forgot all the information that was laid out to me because it didn’t register as important. This above all taught me not to take sides. No one was entirely at fault – and I thought, seeing that both of them are now happy with their own significant other, then does it all matter now? After all, it really is none of my business to begin with.

What threw me off slightly was also the fact that I never could figure out who’s telling the most truth. Our memories are not exactly the most reliable sources.  Our brain is constantly processing information, altering, omitting, reconstructing details of what we thought had occurred. I read that memories are stored in small pieces, meaning that they are fragmented so we sort of only remember smaller details, rather than the whole thing. So how accurate can our memory be, right?

When we’re hurt, we may have the tendency to exaggerate our side of the story and that’s normal. That’s just how human react to pain, I guess. The younger version of me used to think that I was always the victim of the break-up, that it was entirely my ex’s fault that we didn’t work out but truth was, I played some part as to why we weren’t heading in the direction that we might’ve hoped for. It could be that I was far too committed with my study, or I wanted to hang out with my friends more or I really lost interest causing my lack of effort. With this realization, I began to forgive my past and learned that these guys had been the most wonderful part of my life, because they showed me love when I was not even lovable.  

However, my recent failure in wanting to create and to remain in a relationship is different. I still play moments in my head, wondering which part of it was real and which wasn’t. It challenged my trust in people, it’s like I couldn’t even tell whether what we had was based on truth, or whether it was true or just something we thought was good for us.

When I decided to change myself at the end of 2014, one of the things that I told myself was that I would be more honest not only to myself but also to others. I didn’t want to hide my past because I believed that’s what brought me here today. So that’s what I did, I felt like I gave everything out. I was so emotionally consumed and invested that I was raw and open yet unprotected. I was wrong to demand something from someone who was clearly not ready for what I had asked for. I was wrong to think that I could change someone for the sake of myself (and eventually, my children). I was in my opinion, selfish and overwhelmed. So I never said it was just his fault, and neither it was completely mine. It was both of us. And I made peace to that.

But what’s bothering me?

What still bothers is what happened after the break-up. It’s as if God suddenly opened my eyes and showed me what I was blinded from, all in the name of love. How did I miss it? But then again, I questioned almost everything. What if this is just me trying to protect myself from hurting? What if it’s a test? Still what is the truth, right? It’s horrible just trying to remember the exact moment when you were genuinely happy in that relationship. It’s like God just wiped out everything.

The other goal that I wanted to achieve in 2015 was to be more compassionate with myself. It takes an epiphany to understand this concept. When it happened, it was the first time I was really kind and accepting of myself. I took all the critics and flaws and transformed them into something beautiful. I was aware of every inch of my body and I accepted it. That’s why I wanted to focus on myself because I wanted to be the best version of me yet. A bit late, but I knew I have something big waiting for me. I was slightly off track for a while, but I think I’m back in the game. I’m starting over and I know this post is completely incoherent but trust me, there’s a hidden point somewhere.

Well, life is not that great right now. In fact, it’s rather shitty and pretty lonely but I’ll keep my heads up and believe that God listens to every of my prayer and someday, everything will work out the way it should. My dad is almost retired, which means there’s a good chance he’ll take us traveling one of these days. Fingers crossed that my life will resume to its beautiful journey of coffee and cats and beautiful beaches.

Thank you and good night.