Labyrinth

I couldn't sleep much last night. I was awake for almost 2 hours, not knowing why my thoughts just wouldn't shut up. I felt like my body was burning up, and I was sweating through the night even though my room was already cold. Then, the next hour, I would find myself shivering, my feet cold, and I huddled up like a baby. 

Sometimes I wonder, if I died last night, would things be different today? Sigh. Maybe it would come as a shock, because I seemed fine yesterday, right? It's so easy to just curate what you want to show the world when, honestly, you've been carrying this weight that you're never able to unload from your shoulders.

I am exhausted of shrinking myself for others, and somehow I came to a point where I don't think I could be with anyone anymore, because I would just end up hurting them and then hurting myself. I no longer feel like I am a good person. I couldn't make anyone happy. And perhaps it's not my purpose to love, feel loved, or be loved.  Perhaps, it's always the question of how much you exist in someone's life?

I won't say I'm not grateful. I am, but some days feel so unbearable that all you want to do is sleep; however, even sleep is hard to come by sometimes. I wish people could unmeet me so they didn't have to go through heartbreaks or waste their time on something that's not worth the fight. Maybe a lot of people were always right about me. I have never been a good person, even if I tried. 

And even though I might not be a good person, I hope everyone could at least give me the benefit of the doubt that I have tried so hard to be someone you could tolerate, someone who would always choose kindness over fake niceness, and someone who would rather swallow their anger than cause conflict. 

And if I'm not here tomorrow... please do sincerely accept my apologies. Please don't let me carry the burden of being unforgiven. That's all I ask. Thank you, and I hope you don't meet me in any other life or universe, because you - you deserve happiness. 

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I want to say Goodbye, Forever.

Do I feel like screaming right now? Absolutely yes.

Do I feel like crying too? Definitive. 

On top of it all, today just doesn't feel like a day I want to live at all. How much longer can I allow people walk all over me like it's okay? Sure, once or twice.. or maybe months.. but really, honestly I am so exhausted. Exhausted of living in this state. And really, I just don't ever want to .... live anymore.

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The longest January

 

Hello 2026. 

I thought I'd have time to breathe in and breathe out a little, but I was holding in my breath the entire month of January. It did feel like the longest month this year. I said that as if I've already gone through the entire year, right? 

In one of my sessions, I told my therapist that I couldn't see what life would be like for me in the next 5 years. I couldn't envision it. I tried really hard, but all there was was a thought that in 5 years, I might not exist anymore. There was no version of me in the future, and that made me sad. 

Sometimes, the silence is so profound that it gives you clarity. The very clear image of where you stand in everyone's lives.

2025 was a weird year for me, and there was no explanation for that. It's just a really weird phase to be in. I was fighting for myself in private, and when people misunderstood me, I didn't try to explain myself. People would always believe what they wanted to believe, and it made them feel better to be right, so I gave them the benefit of the doubt. And I moved on to the next thing, whatever that was. 

Soon, I'll be forgotten, and I don't want to put in the effort to be remembered in any way at all. Whichever version of me you've known, let that be that, and I guess, I'll be okay with it. And I know I kept apologising for almost everything, just to make everyone else feel better, but I hope you know, that's the kind of kindness and not a weakness that I chose. 

I am now, once again, entering the phase where I'll let my doors be opened, but I won't tolerate shits anymore. This world is so temporary that I don't even want to hold it in my hands. Because soon, I'll be forgotten. 

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If my heart could speak in colours

If my heart could speak in colours, it would not begin with red.

It would begin with grey; soft, hazy, and in-between. The kind of grey that lingers after rain. The kind that drapes itself over the soul when you’re neither here nor there, just suspended in waiting. That’s where my heart has lived for a long time… in the quiet moments that aren’t sad or happy, just numb. Just grey.

Then there would be blue. Not the kind that reminds you of oceans or wide-open skies, but the deep indigo of night. The blue that weeps quietly behind closed doors. The kind of blue that has learned to keep secrets. That holds sorrow in the creases of old journal pages and tear-soaked pillows. Blue is the ache I’ve carried, and the tenderness I’ve tried not to show.

If you looked closer, though, you’d find gold. Not bright or showy, but the kind of gold you’d miss unless you were really paying attention. The kind that glows beneath the cracks. The kind that says, “I’m still here.” That quiet resilience that returns after every storm, no matter how many times it gets washed away. My heart still shines, even when no one is looking. That is gold.

There would be green; not because everything is okay, but because I’m still growing. Still learning. Still choosing to believe in softness after hardness. In healing after hurt. Green is the colour of choosing to stay. Of beginning again, even after everything has broken.

And sometimes, there’s pink. A fragile, blushing pink that appears when I let someone in even just a little. The kind of pink that isn’t sure if it’s allowed to bloom, but does anyway. The colour of trying again. Of forgiving myself for all the times I fell short of my own expectations. The colour of love that isn’t loud, but true.

There is still black...in corners I don’t always visit, but that I no longer fear. It’s the depth of everything I’ve survived. The shadows remind me how much light I’ve found. Black isn’t the enemy. It’s the backdrop against which every other colour became visible.

And when I look at it all together: the grey, the blue, the gold, the green, the pink, and yes, even the black, I see the masterpiece of a heart that’s still beating. Still feeling. Still choosing to show up.

If my heart could speak in colours…
This is what it would say.

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In Darkness, There is Light

(January draft...)

Time and time again, I remind myself that depression is a lie, a shadow that distorts reality. Yet, when the waves come, I don't resist them. I ride them, sailing through the storm like a tiny boat lost at sea, letting the wind and rain carry me wherever they please.

Last night, something in me broke open. I cracked my chest wide, not by force, but out of necessity. I pulled out what hurt. I grieved. I cried into my pillows until I couldn't cry anymore. I shut down, again and again, because the weight of it all was too much to bear. I didn't want to confront the pain. I didn't want to understand why it came back. I only wanted it to pass.

I felt shattered. Alone. Completely hollow. I lay there, letting the music play while tears streamed freely down my cheeks. I stared blankly at the ceiling and, in that moment of deep despair, I envied those who no longer had to feel. I wished to disappear. I wanted everything to stop.

I felt invisible. Heavy. Unloved. Unseen.

But I didn't deny those feelings. I honored them because they've always lived quietly beneath the surface. Every now and then, the debris of unspoken pain resurfaces, and I have to do the hard work of picking it up and letting it go. Again.

I couldn't scream. I couldn't speak. I didn't want any of it to be real. I didn't want to be weak. But something inside me had collapsed. The home I built with so much love and effort, had been destroyed. Maybe the flood wasn't just water. Perhaps it was a tsunami, and I didn't even notice it coming.

I wept for everything I lost, especially the parts of me I worked so hard to rebuild. Why would I destroy what I so lovingly created?

Later that night, I looked up and spoke to God. I didn't ask, Why me? I simply said, Thank You. I told Him that I understood, even if I couldn't carry it all alone. I admitted that I wasn't always strong. I offered up the pain, the love I had given to those who never deserved it, and the trust I misplaced. And then I left it all in His hands.

This morning, I woke up different.

The heaviness in my chest had lifted. I felt lighter, softer… like something had quietly healed while I slept. I found myself smiling. And again, I spoke to God.

I didn't ask, Why?
I just said, Thank You.

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Ambedo

I took out my Macbook for the first time in months - or has it been a year? I don't know, 2024 seemed to fly by so quickly and somehow, I am just so glad that it's over, honestly. 

I could very easily write this post using my other laptop - faster, lighter, and probably won't shut down if I move it even so slightly but this macbook holds memories. I feel bad that I've left it unused for so long, leaving the battery to die and needing a replacement. Anyhoot, that could be tomorrow's problem to think about. 

I had been hesitant to write on my blog because I got scared. I got scared of opening up and sharing things online. I don't ever want this to seem like I am crying for attention but this blog - it's my space, my platform to express whatever I want to, right? And if someone out there can't accept the way I write, or how my mind works...then please, just let me be. 

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My dearest gentle reader ( lol )

How has life been? Was 2024 good to you? Are you glad it's a whole new year and you can start over again?

2024 was a bit of this and that, somewhat like bittersweet dark roast coffee with a hint of vanilla. The humidity was crazy because you struggle to recover from your seasonal allergies and rashes. But on top of it all, the spike in cortisol levels in your body could turn a good person into a monster. 

There were some good moments in that year. Walking through the streets of Hanoi, the endless buzzing sounds of Jakarta, and feeling lost in Bangkok. . and perhaps, finding comfort in someone's arms. So warm that sometimes at night, I still crave it. 

I guess a lot of people called it the year where everyone was a on survival mode. I could resonate. There were so many things that were beyond my control, but still, every part of it consumed me entirely, and at the end of it, I was emptied out. However, the moment anyone I love needed me - I gathered every single drop of that energy I had left, so I could be there for them. 

Slowly, I began to lose interest in my work. Work had been one of my biggest stress factors. Actually, it's not the workload, it's the people, the environment and how lonely it was. The commuting gets to me every so often. My back was aching a lot, and my body felt so mush and exhausted all the time. 

The last 4 months of 2024 were prominently painful and dark. My workplace was sucking the energy out of me, and somehow, as simple as it sounds, at the end of the day - I just needed someone to talk to. About my mundane day and how annoying my co-workers had been. There were colleagues I could talk to, and we'd have lunch together, but somehow - I needed more. I needed someone to check in on me and ask about my day, and not make it seem like I was just complaining. 

I learned to talk less. So I listened more. 

My mind and my body got heavier each day, that I would wake up in the middle of the night, with chest pain. Then I woke up in the morning, my face all grumpy just because I was still so tired. Like I could literally felt the puffiness of my eyes. I knew where this was all going...

DECEMBER. 

My least favourite month of the year. 

"The pain of having lost something major is so intense, you wish that it's physical only so you could locate it and massage it with your family's most trusted ointment. Find it, extract it, and heal." YL

For the first time, I admitted defeat. I completely surrendered myself to God and admitted how weak I felt, and how exhausting it had been. I couldn't pray for more strength patience, or resilience... I just wanted to be able to breathe again. 

I thought I could reach out to some friends, and maybe just catch up. I just didn't expect that most of them recommended me to get therapy. Had I gone so dark or depressed enough to be needing it? Perhaps. Perhaps it's the passive suicidal ideation or the longing for just one person to tell me "I'll be here for you, we'll get better together" - and because I felt like everyone was pushing me away, I thought I must've been a bad person, or at least not worthy enough to be anyone's friend. I drowned myself in this negative conversation, yet I always got so angry at how harsh I could be to myself. 

"YOUR BUCKET, IT'S FULL."

The four words that I didn't expect I needed to hear - to confirm that I wasn't crazy. Because I deserve to feel happy again, and to be in my best mental state, I decided to go for therapy and seek help. Because my bucket is so full, all that I could do lately was just cry. My Dr also helped to shift the way I look at things, especially myself. I have to be able to recognise my own values, to see why my circumstances are in the way that it is. He understood where I was coming from, and was shocked about where it all started. My PTSD is real and apparently - living with it has consumed the best of me, so I would have a lot to do, to unload and let go of everything that's been kept. I am scared, but I am determined. 

My meds are kicking in and I should be getting a fully restful sleep tonight. I'm sick, and alone, but God is with me - and I know He knows I'll get out of this soon. or maybe He'll gift me with a newer shinier bucket to start over. 

I will write better, once I get all my thoughts properly placed together. But for now, 

Until then. x 

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2023

 

Wow. 2023 unfolded in a way that I could never expected it to be. 

Prayers were made, and prayers were heard but the circumstances given were beyond what I'd hoped for. 

Some moments still felt like they happened yesterday, but most days I tried to move forward still hopeful that better things would come. How was it in January, I got summoned to the management office to be told that there were complaints about me? For "joking around" with colleagues but was told that I was being disrespectful to those who'd been there longer than me. I honestly couldn't comprehend it until now. I became so conscious and wary at work, that I almost didn't want to talk or engage with anyone unless I had to. 

Most days I feel extremely demotivated about coming to work. The workload itself has been manageable, but it's the environment and the people that haven't been the best part of it. In April, we were reshuffled and I would've never expected to be assigned to work in Temburong. When I got called to the Director's office, as she explained to me the reason why I was assigned there, I completely zoned out. I felt lost, uneasy, and unsure of what just happened. It felt like all the things that I've worked hard for that previous year went to waste. I thought I was just getting started, but then I was starting all over again. Being in the Temburong office meant different KPIs, projects, and a bigger team to manage. Most of it, I was never quite familiar with, It took me a while to get used to commuting and adjusting with my new team. I went from a team of 3 to a team of 7. I went from working within budget to working on 11-12 programs per year. I still have days where I cried from physical and mental exhaustion just from work. 

Financially, I thought I'd be able to make drastic improvements in the way I'd spend money. Unfortunately, I'm still living paycheck to paycheck. It's not that I have bad spending habits, it's just that things are getting more expensive, and with the whole commuting, I'm spending more on fuel and maintaining my car. 

A couple of months ago... my maid didn't return from her "leave". 

Although I was hesitant at first, she insisted that she had to go back to sort out her family matter. I gave her 10 days of leave and even sorted all her travel arrangements. I waited for her at the airport, but she never showed up. This broke me. With no maid, there would be no one to take care of the cats if I was away. I was so angry, that I spammed my maid's facebook account until she blocked me, and of course, I kept making new accounts to bombard her page with all my rage. We were never hard on her, in fact, I felt as if she was overpaid and she had way too much time to nap for hours every day. With this, I used up all my savings to get a new maid. But even so, I still encountered issues dealing with agents and ended up paying more than I should. Ugh, I hate all this adulting stress. 

Least to say, financially... I am currently broke. Even with my performance bonus, I still have to pay the remaining fee to the agent (cause she made me take a maid who was beyond the fee I agreed upon), paying things for the house like garbage collection services, groceries, rentals, and especially getting my cats' food and litter every month. 

My main goal has always been finding a career that pays well, and at the same time, mentally fulfilling for me. I'm not a lazy bum, so it's never about finding an easy job. It's about finding a career that I feel would have a positive impact on me personally and the community that I am working in/with. I don't think I found that yet this year, so I am still very hopeful that better things are coming in 2024. 

On personal growth, 

Well... 

I've tried my best to survive. I guess I've survived a lot privately this year. I learned how my traits and behaviors have affected the people that I care for and how much I've stepped out of my own comfort zone. How there were so many times, I stared at my trembling hands, I felt all my thoughts colliding against one another, I forgot how to breathe and my whole entire body just ached from tension. In a lot of ways, I've also learned how wounded I am from my childhood trauma, and how much I needed someone to recognize the reason why I feel so emotionally sensitive, and why I react to situations the way I normally do. I tried my hardest to change so I could be a better person to everyone around me. Somehow, it made me wonder how much I resisted being angry at all. I get upset but I don't ever let myself burst into anger. I wonder if I do, would I even recognize myself? Even if growth is not too drastic this year, I would like to believe I've made some progress. 

I spent 6 days in the hospital this year, where most days I couldn't even leave the bed. I could still recall the journey from the ward to the operating room, how I watched the lights flicker above me, and how the doctors and nurses were trying to explain to me the whole procedure. The whole 2-3 hours I was out felt like the best sleep I've ever had in my entire life. Then the next 3 months of recovery felt like hell to me. In fact, I haven't even fully recovered up until today. 

I've also traveled a little this year. Some were good, some I wished I could rethink the whole trip. But I traveled by myself for the first time in a while last month. I did meet with a few friends along the way, but most of the time I was by myself. Felt strange at first, but I allowed myself to immerse in the anxiety and uncertainties and just went with the flow. I took my time, I talked to strangers and I felt good in my own body. I really can't wait to do it all over again. 

On personal relationship, 

Well....I've always been a private person, so I don't think there's much I can share here. I am happy where I am, and I don't really want to pursue anything or anyone or reciprocate advances because I don't really need it right now.  

So I guess that's it for 2023. Same old story, just older. 

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