The longest January

 

Hello 2026. 

I thought I'd have time to breathe in and breathe out a little, but I was holding in my breath the entire month of January. It did feel like the longest month this year. I said that as if I've already gone through the entire year, right? 

In one of my sessions, I told my therapist that I couldn't see what life would be like for me in the next 5 years. I couldn't envision it. I tried really hard, but all there was was a thought that in 5 years, I might not exist anymore. There was no version of me in the future, and that made me sad. 

Sometimes, the silence is so profound that it gives you clarity. The very clear image of where you stand in everyone's lives.

2025 was a weird year for me, and there was no explanation for that. It's just a really weird phase to be in. I was fighting for myself in private, and when people misunderstood me, I didn't try to explain myself. People would always believe what they wanted to believe, and it made them feel better to be right, so I gave them the benefit of the doubt. And I moved on to the next thing, whatever that was. 

Soon, I'll be forgotten, and I don't want to put in the effort to be remembered in any way at all. Whichever version of me you've known, let that be that, and I guess, I'll be okay with it. And I know I kept apologising for almost everything, just to make everyone else feel better, but I hope you know, that's the kind of kindness and not a weakness that I chose. 

I am now, once again, entering the phase where I'll let my doors be opened, but I won't tolerate shits anymore. This world is so temporary that I don't even want to hold it in my hands. Because soon, I'll be forgotten.