Let's be honest, I am not the most pious person, but who are we to measure our Imaan, and who are we to judge others by what we see? but Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhmadulillah for today I have been given the chance to see my own prayers being heard!
Growing up, my parents were always on our end whenever we missed a prayer, or two, or five but we all know that parents shouldn't force their religious opinions on their children, but rather to show them the power of prayers, instead of forcing them to do it as a daily routine. Sincerity and khusyuk are what made our prayers meaningful and that's what we want our children to feel, and to see and to understand.
As a teenager, I only prayed when I felt like it, when I felt like life was being hard on me, when I NEEDED something or in a family function. It was really not how it's supposed to be. When I turned 20, I felt the need to refresh my niat and to really learn to pray as much as I could because if Allah made time for us, why is it so hard for us to spare some time for Him? I met a friend on my birthday who taught me a very important lesson; I told him that it was difficult for me to wake up for Fajr, and that I prayed 4 times a day (which I thought was better than nothing) and he told me, "cuba belajar pelahan-lahan, Insya Allah lama-lama jadi kebiasaan." So that's what I did, I tried to wake up early for Fajr, and over time missing a prayer becomes the most frustrating thing that could happen in a day. Prayers are what has saved me from going back to that black hole I once lived in.
My faith in Allah's plan, and the way my life unfold grew with me. My biggest fear now is to no longer be loved by Him, that is when hardships and trials stop. Ultimately, I do want to be happy but I don't ever want to be happy to the extent that I would forget where happiness comes from.
Life hasn't been easy and everyone knows that where I work, it requires a lot of perseverance, patience and resilience to survive. I've been defeated many times, but the power of prayers are indescribable. You could cry throughout the day, and then when you end it with a prayer and especially when you cry while doing it, it's as if God took out the sadness out of your body and promise you that a brighter day awaits. You feel so much lighter and that is what makes it so good. It is believing that only Him can take away all your problems and replace it with something that is much more better.
As a person, I am afraid of asking for anything, from anyone and one of the challenges of having faith in God, is not to ask too much because you are supposed to learn to be grateful for what is already been given to you. When God puts me in a difficult situation, I say "thank you" because that is a reminder that He wants to bring me closer to Him, and usually I would ask him for more strength, patience and guidance. I would never ask for a better life, or especially why life is getting harder by day. I am sure there is a reason to everything.
Last year was the year that I felt like I was gradually losing myself. There was very few times that I was content and steady, because most of the times it was spent on worrying and being sad. In December last year, I really hit rock bottom that I knew my imaan was growing weaker by day. I was so determine to take my own life because of everything that had happened in that period, of how lonely I was and how unhappy I was becoming. I didn't have anyone to turn to at that time, so I spent more time on praying and talking to God, and really asking Him to shed some light into my life. I finally reached out to a few friends whom I really really trusted, and who already knew of my condition. I even had a brief counselling session, and asked someone who had been on pills. I knew that nobody could help me except myself so I made it a mission to really fight against the darkness.
One night when I was hanging out with my girls, we were talking about my situation and the reason why I finally opened up to them was because they would tell me something I didn't want to hear, an uncomfortable truth. I was already losing hope, and they told me of this 40-day challenge, of which would help me to find my answers in the right way and that is to do the following:
- To pray everyday in the following order:
- Fajr
- Dhuha
- Zohor
- Asar
- Maghrib
- Hajat
- Isya'
- Istikharah
- Tahajjud
Which means, for 40 days you need to pray 9 times a day. Easier to say, harder to fulfill. I accepted the challenge but wouldn't say that I failed because in the end, Allah started to show me the things I was blinded from. He showed me the truth, and He took out what was bad from me. In January alone, I was losing a lot but my faith for what has been written for me overcame my frustration, and in that I believe that He was saving me in ways I couldn't have imagined.
Presently, I would pray 7 times a day, asking Him to ease my hunt for a job, and to open up my pintu rezeki. As many knows, end of this month would have been my last day but today I was told that I've been extended until the end of March, with hopes that I could land a job within that period. To others it might not be much but I was almost bursting in tears knowing that this is Allah's way of answering my prayers, for giving me more time to keep on working.
This alone makes me love Him even more, to really believe in Him and to really be afraid for every time I lose hope. If you believe that He listens, Insya Allah things will unfold in ways you can never expect. I hope you can find your own beautiful ways to strengthen your faith in Him, and remember that you can't just wait for it to happen. It always takes effort and even if you start little, it is still something and that really matters.