I've been struggling to write for a while. Let it be on the blog, or in my personal journal. I couldn't bring myself to relive the pain and grief that I had to endure over the past few months. I wanted to write it down because I didn't want to make it seem like I was unaffected by this series of events in my life. In fact, I still don't know how to process it.
30 December 2020, I was getting ready to work, until I heard my phone beeped:
It all felt so unreal to me. Pao was my oldest cat, and I remembered waving at him from outside the cat house just the night before. I didn't notice that he was unwell. It wasn't easy for me to know either because he was always sitting down, and he didn't like to be touched. But I would always be able to tell if something was wrong with him. I was just a little too late, and this still hurts me until this day. People who know me, know that I would do anything if any of my cats have gotten sick. I just wished I knew that Pao needed me. Sigh. I was crying at work that day because the news was so sudden and I was in shock. I held him that morning, and I told him how sorry I was.
Days passed by and I couldn't bring myself to go to the cat house. Internally I was grieving, and every time I stepped inside the cat house, I felt his absence. He was such a huge part of that house. Everything started to feel so different, and I tried to shrug it off so I could give my attention to others too. Sometimes, I thought of paying an animal communicator just to give me some sort of closure. Was he happy? Did he feel loved? Was he in pain and tried to tell me about it? Can he forgive me? Does he know how much I loved him? Sigh. There's a bond between Pao and me that only we both know. Pao was my grumpiest, and the pickiest cat that I've ever had. He's very aggressive with others, but when I reached out to pet him, he would let me and he gave me his trust. Before we moved him to the cat house, he was always hanging in my room and I wished I could show people how sweet Pao was. He liked his nose rubbed, and he didn't like anyone touching his belly. Days before he passed, I was planning to bring him inside and give him a quick shower. Wanted to buy him new toys too. I missed him quite a lot. Hope he's happier wherever he may be, and if he decides to come back - he should know that there is always room for him in our home. Rest in Love my sayang Abang Pao. I love you so much.
I would normally tweet about my cats, when they're sick or when they couldn't continue fighting. Losing Pao was a more recent event, but I was also grieving for the cats I've tried to bring back to good health and yet, there was only so much I could do and seeing them in pain was more hurtful to see.
Mojojojo or Mojo was one of the cats I adopted a few years ago. He's a bit of a rascal, and he never wanted to stay still. Mojo went missing one day, and when he came back - he was thinner, lethargic and caught a high fever. When I called in a vet to check on all my cats, they said it was probably just an ulcer in his mouth. Mojo's health deteriorated very quickly. He was losing so much weight, and I had to keep him inside just so I could monitor him every day. His fever was on and off, and he was on different medications because every vet I took him gave me a different diagnosis. It was frustrating not knowing what was hurting him, until one night his abscess burst. I didn't even realise that there was even an abscess or a wound on his leg. Not one vet that I took him to (and I went to so many vet visits) was able to spot the abscess in the first place until it was too late. The morning after, I had to quickly rushed him to the vet and he was taken in for surgery to drain out the abscess. It was really big. When I picked him up, the vet told me that his temperature was quite low but his appetite was good. I told Mojo that we were going to be alright, that we figured things out and we'd get better from there. But work was always in front of everything, and because my meeting took all morning - I didn't get to check up on Mojo that day. When I went downstairs, my maid told me that he was already gone. Again, I was just one step too late. He ate that morning, but I guess he had been fighting the pain for too long that it was harder for him to endure the post-surgery. His body temperature was low and that put a toll on him. Sigh. I'm still wrapped with guilt knowing that I could've let him stay in my room that night so I could closely monitor him. :( I'm so sorry Mojo. Rest in Love, Mojo. Be free of pain in cat paradise okay?
I continue this post with... KT.
Even though I am not particularly close with all my cats, I can always tell when something is not right with them. Their behaviour changed, or they're less active than usual. Those were the early signs of KT that I noticed right away. I saw that she was scratching her ears more often than usual and I easily assumed that it could've just been ear mites, but every day I was noticing that KT was losing a bit of weight & her body was warmer than usual. That's when I took her to the vet. They checked her ears, and they were fine but I also told them that she was walking with her head tilted. I wasn't sure if she had hurt her legs or there was an infection in her ear. When the vet checked her body, she found that there was a hard lump in her belly and it seemed like she was not able to poop for a few days, and that's what made it difficult for her to walk properly. They gave her an enema and her stool was hard as a rock. Following that, I had to closely monitor her, she was given some medication to help loosen her bowel a bit, and I had to find food that would make it easier for her to do her business. She didn't really have much appetite and much preferred it if I fed her myself. When I took her for her follow up appointment, the vet couldn't do much for us because they didn't have an ultrasound. There was still a lump in her belly, and her abdomen was slightly distended.
Some days, KT had a little more energy and would be able to walk and eat by herself, but it never really lasted long. I was restless and it shattered me to see how painful it must've been for her. I took her to another vet, and when I told them about the distended abdomen, they assumed that there's a fluid buildup and did a test. They confirmed it was ascites. It could be that her kidney or liver was failing, or it could be something else like FIP. The vet removed the fluid, and she was just lethargic after that. Her body temperature dropped, and from there - the vet told me that recovery was uncertain. The vet told me that some cats are fortunate that they could recover, but in others, this case could be fatal. KT was really patient and started to grow on me, but after getting the fluid removed - she was becoming anaemic and refused to be fed. It was heartbreaking to see her condition at that time. Every night when we went to sleep, I let the Qur'an played in the background as it soothed her. Then one day, I just had to sit beside her for a really long time and I just pet her and made sure she knew that it was okay for her to go. I gave her the assurance that if she didn't have the strength to fight anymore, and if it was just too painful to try then she should let go of everything and be at peace. She took her time, and we both cried. There and then, I lost another sweet cat. Rest beautifully KT. You were such a fighter and you opened up my eyes to new things and made me more aware of the other cats' conditions.
Every time, I would try to feel the other cats' belly to make sure that there's no hard lump or any fluid build-up but my oh my, I still have a lot to learn. Some weeks or months can be very busy for me and I would just rely on my maid to make sure that the cats are well-fed and if they seem to show little interest in their favourite food, I would get alerted. One day, my maid told me that Grey was limping and that he got into a fight with the other cat. I checked on him when I got home from work and gave him some pain killer. The next day, he was starting to become more lethargic. I put him somewhere comfortable and made sure food was near. I wanted to take him to the vet after work but I was not able to go home until 8 pm. When I reached home, he wasn't moving anymore. It was clear to me that I overlooked the cause of his pain. He wasn't limping because he injured his leg from a fight, he was limping because he had a urinary blockage, and we all know how fatal this could be to cats. It's a shame for me to lose such a healthy beautiful cat to my work commitment. Grey's expression in this picture really summed up how pissed he must've been with me. I'm really sorry buddy, I wished people at work were animal lovers that they would not dismiss a matter like an emergency vet visit. Rest in Peace Grey.
This urinary blockage was becoming more common in my cats, and it puzzled me. Following Grey's case, I was more dedicated to making more time for emergency cases. Felix was having trouble urinating and I knew it was a urinary blockage right away. I rushed to take him to whichever clinic was opened during lunch hours. The vet took him in immediately for catheterization, and he had to stay at the clinic for 3 days. The whole thing also cost me $300. Alhamdulillah, Felix recovered well and hadn't had any recurrence so far.
Not long after Felix, the same thing happened to Singa. I took him to another vet because I didn't really have $300. After getting a catheter, the vet told me to bring him home so I could monitor him and it would be better since there would be no one at the clinic after working hours. This time this cost me $160. Singa had his catheter on for about 7 days, and when the vet took it off, I was told that he would need to change his diet and that I still have to make sure that he was urinating normally.
Singa is more rebellious than others and refused to believe that he's unwell. This meant that he didn't want to eat the more expensive food I got him, and one day I noticed he was hiding under the chair. His movement was minimal and when he went to the litterbox, nothing came out. Sigh. Here goes another urinary blockage. Since the previous vet couldn't do an ultrasound, I had to take him to another clinic. Here's what they found:
The white particles inside the black hole were small stones inside his bladder. There were a lot of them which meant he needed another catheter and for a much longer period.
Since his urine was just dripping all the time, and he didn't want to stay inside his cage - he had to stay inside my study room for almost two weeks. Singa tends to recover quickly so every day my study room was messy because of him. He had his appointment a week ago and we were told that he needed to be on medication for another 10 days but at least the tube had been removed. Singa's treatment with this clinic cost me $200. Alhamdulillah, Singa is also well today and hopefully, he stays healthy.
I was honestly shocked seeing how many of my cats were getting a urinary blockage. I was also concerned to see that some of my cats were losing weight. Turned out the dry food that I was feeding them for a couple of months didn't suit them. The usual brand that I would go for was always out of stock so I had to buy a similar one. Because I have so many cats and only so much money, I can only afford certain brands. I also have to constantly remind my maid how important water and wet food is, so whenever the wet food is out - I need to be informed.
I normally spend around $300-$350 per month for my cats' food and litter, and at present, I have almost 40 cats at home. It's a huge commitment, to be honest, but I like to believe that I've been chosen to take care of these beautiful and wonderful creatures. It's like an Amanah. So losing them always create a hole in my heart, and for so many reasons I wish I could turn back time and do it right. Every day I pray that I could give only the best for them, and I often look at other people who also has more than 7 pets and I wonder, how do they do it? How can they afford all that stuff for their pets? Here I just have a small part of the house for them, give them food and drink and talk to them like they're babies. Even with food, I wish I could give them something much better.
My goal right now is to have all my male cats neutered and vaccinated. I've only been able to neuter 8 cats so far but I still have more to go, except currently, I am not financially capable to do so. With all the treatments that I had to give for KT, Felix and Singa, I ended up using all of my savings. I also had cats that I needed to take to the vet for minor cases. The amount of money that I've spent on them never bothered me at all, until it was my turn to get sick. There's a lot that I have given up so I could take care of their needs, like eating out, buying food that's more than $5 each time, or even pampering myself. When I do this, I never have to second thought my decision when it comes to my pets. I just wanted to make sure that they're comfortable and not stressed out with their living condition. Perhaps to others, they're just cats, but to me they're family.
Understandably, others may wonder why do I have so many cats if I can't really afford the best healthcare for them? To answer, at the beginning of this journey with cats, I used to rescue abandoned kittens around my compound and I didn't know then how important it was to neuter/ spay the cats. I was a little late in the game, and I'm trying to do what's right right now. I do give my best effort in taking good care of them but sometimes I just fall short. Perhaps, the question of "why don't I just give them out for adoption?" The answer is, I have. A few of my cats have been adopted by lovely families, but I also get anxious and traumatised if I see my cats are being put inside a cage instead. The only time I would ever put my cat inside a cage nowadays is when they're unwell and I need to limit movement/ separate them from others. Otherwise, they're free to roam inside the cat house.
Anyway, I was buying my usual pet supplies this week, and I normally take a long time just browsing for other options, and calculating my budget/expenses along the way. While I was doing so, a guy came into the store and he was very quick. When he was at the counter paying for his items, I noticed it totalled up to $680 something. I was surprised to see just how much this guy was spending and I was curious to see what he bought. Internally, I was worried he was buying the same food brand I did and wipe out all the stocks, but it so happened that he bought five 10kgs of Royal Canin food and a couple of packs of SmartHeart brand. For a while, I was just in awe of this transaction because I haven't been able to buy RC since Rocky and that was probably in 2013-2015. Deep down, I wished that's what I could do for my cats.
I know that this post is extremely lengthy and it did take me three sittings to finish writing. It's a whirlwind of emotions, from my grievance to fighting and then finding hope amid it all. I believe that Allah knows that I have been praying to get a new job with a better salary range so I could provide for my family and to make sure all my cats are healthy. I also don't wish for them to keep breeding, as I am not quite sure if I can manage to my best ability. Although there hasn't been much luck in the job hunting department, Alhamdulillah that He had sent me very generous and kindhearted individuals who had been willing to help me financially, albeit small, but it had made such a huge impact and differences in the way I take care of things. I have been lost for words for so many weeks that I still didn't know how to react to it. I can only make Dua for them.
I am extremely new to this field of accepting monetary assistance, but if you would like to help me neuter and vaccinate my male cats, I will try to accept this with an open mind and open heart and pray that Allah will return a thousand folds of what you will give.
I currently have 10 male cats to be neutered, and a few kittens when they're old enough. Neutering will cost $45 per cat, and the vaccine will cost $60 for two shots. Having them neutered will help me to manage the cat population in my house and not to mention, it also has a lot of health benefits. Insya Allah, they will be able to live a long healthy and happy life, whilst keeping you in their daily prayers. I will leave my account numbers down here. I am sure there are other rescue community that are in need of donations as well. so please do consider donating to them first/as well.
BIBD : 00009020234269
BAIDURI: 9000741720935
May Allah bless you and reward you with good health, good fortune and give you light and joy in life. May you always be under His Protection.
Also thank you so much for reading all the way to the end of this post. Until then.
Selamat berpuasa everyone.
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