In Darkness, There is Light

(January draft...)

Time and time again, I remind myself that depression is a lie, a shadow that distorts reality. Yet, when the waves come, I don't resist them. I ride them, sailing through the storm like a tiny boat lost at sea, letting the wind and rain carry me wherever they please.

Last night, something in me broke open. I cracked my chest wide, not by force, but out of necessity. I pulled out what hurt. I grieved. I cried into my pillows until I couldn't cry anymore. I shut down, again and again, because the weight of it all was too much to bear. I didn't want to confront the pain. I didn't want to understand why it came back. I only wanted it to pass.

I felt shattered. Alone. Completely hollow. I lay there, letting the music play while tears streamed freely down my cheeks. I stared blankly at the ceiling and, in that moment of deep despair, I envied those who no longer had to feel. I wished to disappear. I wanted everything to stop.

I felt invisible. Heavy. Unloved. Unseen.

But I didn't deny those feelings. I honored them because they've always lived quietly beneath the surface. Every now and then, the debris of unspoken pain resurfaces, and I have to do the hard work of picking it up and letting it go. Again.

I couldn't scream. I couldn't speak. I didn't want any of it to be real. I didn't want to be weak. But something inside me had collapsed. The home I built with so much love and effort, had been destroyed. Maybe the flood wasn't just water. Perhaps it was a tsunami, and I didn't even notice it coming.

I wept for everything I lost, especially the parts of me I worked so hard to rebuild. Why would I destroy what I so lovingly created?

Later that night, I looked up and spoke to God. I didn't ask, Why me? I simply said, Thank You. I told Him that I understood, even if I couldn't carry it all alone. I admitted that I wasn't always strong. I offered up the pain, the love I had given to those who never deserved it, and the trust I misplaced. And then I left it all in His hands.

This morning, I woke up different.

The heaviness in my chest had lifted. I felt lighter, softer… like something had quietly healed while I slept. I found myself smiling. And again, I spoke to God.

I didn't ask, Why?
I just said, Thank You.