Labyrinth

I couldn't sleep much last night. I was awake for almost 2 hours, not knowing why my thoughts just wouldn't shut up. I felt like my body was burning up, and I was sweating through the night even though my room was already cold. Then, the next hour, I would find myself shivering, my feet cold, and I huddled up like a baby. 

Sometimes I wonder, if I died last night, would things be different today? Sigh. Maybe it would come as a shock, because I seemed fine yesterday, right? It's so easy to just curate what you want to show the world when, honestly, you've been carrying this weight that you're never able to unload from your shoulders.

I am exhausted of shrinking myself for others, and somehow I came to a point where I don't think I could be with anyone anymore, because I would just end up hurting them and then hurting myself. I no longer feel like I am a good person. I couldn't make anyone happy. And perhaps it's not my purpose to love, feel loved, or be loved.  Perhaps, it's always the question of how much you exist in someone's life?

I won't say I'm not grateful. I am, but some days feel so unbearable that all you want to do is sleep; however, even sleep is hard to come by sometimes. I wish people could unmeet me so they didn't have to go through heartbreaks or waste their time on something that's not worth the fight. Maybe a lot of people were always right about me. I have never been a good person, even if I tried. 

And even though I might not be a good person, I hope everyone could at least give me the benefit of the doubt that I have tried so hard to be someone you could tolerate, someone who would always choose kindness over fake niceness, and someone who would rather swallow their anger than cause conflict. 

And if I'm not here tomorrow... please do sincerely accept my apologies. Please don't let me carry the burden of being unforgiven. That's all I ask. Thank you, and I hope you don't meet me in any other life or universe, because you - you deserve happiness.