So am I happy now?

In the last 4 hours, I have had at least 5 suicidal thoughts.

I went to bed early last night, not out of boredom but because I was going through that emotional roller-coaster ride and I really didn’t feel like accommodating to it. I felt the darkness was slowly pulling me into the hole but instead it was cuddling me in my sleep.

I am on a “don’t break – stay strong” stand but I know I am ripping off my inside. My head hurts, my jaws tightens and my body temperature goes from normal to raging hot. 

I try not to let others add up into the pile but sadly the pile mostly consists of them. Remarks, words, comment and everything because it’s their needs before mine. I have to put their needs before mine.

It sucks you can only crawl into a bed, not into the warmth of a person.

I want this life to be worthwhile, full of laughter and love. To meet people who are passionate in making this world better for everyone else but I keep meeting individuals who are too selfish because there is always a need to prove themselves to the higher ups. And when you don’t give them what they want, they’d go around complaining to the superiors how you’ve been ignoring their requests, making you the bad person once again.

I often let this situation question my competency as a young professional. Is this the kind of job I want to pursue? Am I even good at my job? Am I qualified enough to be in this field?

On the other hand, I know that losing friends and not having enough time for pretty much anything are part of adulthood, but was I aware of the amount of loneliness that comes with it? I know I can’t be the only one here with no support system or someone to call… a best friend? Perhaps I suck at this human relationship / communicating with people kind of thing. (I’ll save the whole support system part for another post)

When I am by myself, uncertain of what to do, and constantly going through my social feeds – I often think of you. You, out of all the people I could think of, it always comes back to you. I was wrong to believe that it would take me 6 months to care less about someone, but it has been 2 years and it’s always been you. When I saw you on the road that day, it all came back to me and am I wrong to say that all I need is one more conversation? Yeah, that closure would've helped a lot ... but I can never understand why you've been ignoring me for so long. 

After the whole cycle of feeling worthless, under-appreciated, unloved and slightly depressed – thinking of you makes me feel worse– then I would think about death. It’s insane of me to think of a solution to end everything that I have been dealing with just one action. That is to end my life.

I do find all these to be so shallow of me and I am trying really hard to resist from letting it win. I think I can say that I’ve been doing great because there’s nothing better than to sleep it off, over and over again. The silliest part of all these is that if I did end my life, I would still get the blame for my action. I will still be in the wrong. Isn’t this life interesting?