Anxiety over Anxiety

“I can’t stop crying, it’s back. I’m sorry. Why do I feel like this?” 

“Please, meet me up, please

I want to see you

Please come see me, please,”

I begged

“Please, can you just do one thing for me

Please just drive, I will wait,”

I begged a little more

“I’m at the car park, can you please come here?”

I walked as fast as I could

I knocked on her window

She let me in

“What am I supposed to do now?” I asked to myself

I watched her hands firmly holding her steering wheel

as she sobbed and sobbed and cried and cried

“Shit, what do I do now?” I asked myself again

My arm reached out to her back

and my hand pat pat pat pat pat

She cried harder

And I was lost for words

I kept patting and brushing her back

“It’s okay, let it all out. Cry. It’s going to be okay”

“Okay mind tell me what to do, what am I supposed to do, what am I supposed to say?”

An Inner dialogue

I panicked

“I can’t tell her to stop. I can’t tell her to just breathe and be. I have to do something. I - I - I - don’t know. I- I - I - don’t know. I don’t. Shit. I 

I…

I… 

I… “

“Tell it to Fuck Off,” words came out of my mouth

I continued to have more inner dialogue

“Was I supposed to swear? Does does does - shit - does that make it any better? I don’t swear that way. Why - why .. I - I - don’t I don’t ..” 

I kept patting her on her back

Half of me wanting to reach out entirely to her and give her a hug

“Is that appropriate? I don’t know how to hug someone. I can’t.. Will that help? Does she want a hug?”

“That’s okay, I’m here. This is only temporary” Why won’t my stupid mouth just shut up already

“Do you always feel like this? It hurts. I don’t know why. I’ve never had this before,” she finally said something.

“Yes, all the time. I get it all the time. It’s not easy. It sucks. I hate it. It sucks,” I replied.

“Was that helpful? oh Damn. I don’t know. I can’t tell her that she’s not trapped when I am trapped in this situation,” I continued to talk to myself

I also told her more things I wasn’t sure was helpful

“Am I making it worse for her? What kind of friend am I? Shouldn’t I know better at handling this? But… but… but… I’ve 

I’ve

I’ve only had to deal with myself before
I can tell myself anything
I can tell myself to fuck off if I have to
But she’s not me
This is not the same thing
Our struggle is not the same
I’ve had it for years and I know myself better
I know how to let it take its course and let things pass
But
but
this is new to her. I don’t know how to …”

My hand never left her back

We both tried to breathe together

She cried harder every time

“Can I just have some time alone for a while? Is that okay? Can I just meet you upstairs later?” She asked

I said okay and I left

As I walked,

“Idiot. Should you even leave her alone? What if something happens? Shouldn’t you just be there.. but it was also so strange to watch someone cry and not know what to do. Okay, I’ll leave. I’ll leave and wait. She’ll come around. She’ll come around. She’ll be okay. Right? Right?”

My heart started to slow down

but my mind was telling me otherwise

I sat and I waited

I watched the time tick and tock

I tapped tapped tapped my knee

I tapped tapped tapped my phone

“Am I being selfish for forcing her to come here tonight? Should I just tell her that she can go home? but what if things get worse when she gets home? What if she cries more and more and I’m not there? Should we just cancel this? But this could be good. Maybe we both needed this. I know I need it. I know I need her to be here. Will she come? Will she come? What if she stood me up? No. She won’t. She won’t. She won’t”

I tapped tapped tapped my knee

I watched people watched me

And I looked down I looked around

I saw no sights of her

It’s time, she’s not here

My heart started to pound harder

I couldn’t breathe

I panicked

“Is she coming? Is she coming? Should I call her? Should I go down and get her?”

“Hey, we’re at cinema 6. I’ll wait for you here okay” I sent her a text.

2 mins

3 mins

3.10 mins

4 mins

4.47 mins

5 mins

“Is she coming? If she doesn’t, that’s selfish. I’d be hurt, but no I can’t think of it like that. That’s selfish of me. Maybe I shouldn’t have forced her to come. I should be sending her home. She would be more comfortable at home. But is she coming? Should I just go in and leave her ticket at the counter? And wait? AH. What am I supposed to do? I don’t don’t don’t know.” 

I bought her a bottle of water just in case

She will be thirsty I know

And hungry too I know

“Okay, one popcorn and a bottle of water please,” I said to the salesguy

“I’m on my way up. I’ll see you soon” she sent me voice clip

“Okay, Okay, Okay she’s coming. Good. Good Good Good Good she’s coming, okay I can breathe I can breathe we won’t bring this up we won’t bring this up” 

I saw her walking towards me

and my hand was ready to pass her the water

as if she had run a marathon

and I saw her arms suddenly reaching out to me for a hug

“Oh okay okay okay okay we’ll hug. she’s good she’s good”

I patted her on the back “Let’s go!” 

In the cinema

I secretly observed her as she drank the water

and constantly munching on the popcorn

and then she leaned her body to my side

“This is good. We will be okay. She’s going to be okay”

And so we went on through the evening and braced it through

PS:

Other than beautiful soundtrack, we were both disappointed with the movie.