APRIL

"You should know that there is something worse than hate and that is unlove.

Because hate is anger over something lost, hate is passion, hate is misguided, it's caring for the wrong things but it is still caring. 

But unlove, unlove is to unkiss, to unremember, to unhold, to undream, to undo everything that ever was and leave smooth stone behind in its wake.

No fire.

No fury.

Just nothing.

And that is worse than hate."

And April almost always makes me feel both distant yet closer to you. . I think.

I've thought about you less and less as the day goes by, but I still think about you every now and then. There are still parts in my body that ache every time I do. Parts of my mind that wandered around, tracing back memories of both the good and bad times with you. 

Every year on your birthday, I thought about sending you a gift. I wanted you to feel special and happy and loved, but a gift from me would only seem creepy, psychotic, creepy, stalkerish-ish and yes, as if I didn't know what your reaction would be. So I never really did. I prayed for you instead. I prayed for your health, and your happiness. I wanted only joy and love for you, and nothing else. 

Of course, sometimes it sets me off when I thought of how difficult it has been, to endure the unresolved feelings I've had for you. It's hard for me to fathom how I could feel so strongly for a person who clearly didn't want anything to do with me. I've talked myself through and I know that all I've ever needed from you was closure. No matter how painful it may be. 

I don't know how you do it but I guess, I'm just weak in this love and moving on department. But if you're reading this, I doubt it that you would but - 

Happy almost almost birthday to you. 

Nothing more, nothing less than a wish for good health, joy and love for you.