On Loneliness, Again.

*Note: 

I am writing this post under the influence of fluctuating hormones (one that makes me cry every time Jack comes out on This Is Us) so I don't know what the content is going to be like, but I know I'm writing this while also feeling mostly vulnerable and raw. 

My phone beeped and a text read: "How did you go through it all?" 

I kept saying that I didn't have a secret ingredient if that's what he was looking for. I don't have any sort of inspiring story, or an antidote to cure a broken heart because all I know, even after all these while, I am still nursing mine. 

My phone only beeps for 4 reasons: 

1) Family 

2) Work 

3) Group Chats & Replies 

4) A "friend" in need of TLCs. 

I would like to talk about the last reason and how this has made me feel lately. Lately, I've noticed a pattern... of how people would only reach me if they needed something. Be it an instant esteem boost, or someone who could empathise their situation and to give them some support. Very often I don't really mind having conversations with friends I haven't talked with in a while, but what has left me wondering was how easy it was to just ditch the conversation when things finally worked out for them. One could be having a relationship crisis, and I'd be telling them what I think about relationships in general and then they suddenly would disappear when I sort of provided them with a solution. No thank yous, no updates, nothing. And the next thing I knew, it's the same cycle all over again. They have an issue, they talk to me and they disappear. This is how I got to calling myself The Door Opener. I open and hold the door as they walk through. 

I never really talked about how this made me feel. 

I feel abandoned, and sad. I don't want to, but I do. Sometimes I wonder if they're ever really my friends at all, or am I even theirs? Maybe I should disappear too. I don't know. 

*** 

"How did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Cope." 

"I just let the days be."

I lied. I didn't just let the days be days, I didn't just let myself function on auto-pilot mode because every morning is spent convincing my mind that I've been given another day to do something about my life, even if I don't want to, even if I don't think I deserve this life, even if I don't believe in staying alive at all. Every day is a struggle, and every night I pat myself on the back for making it through. 

Nobody has asked me this in a while, and I don't have reasons to talk about it anymore until a friend asked how I got over my broken engagement. 

Truth is, it's hard to explain how my relationship ended because it wasn't concrete enough to hold a marriage. My ex-fiancé was a wonderful guy, and earlier in our relationship, I had imagined us growing old together, and being each other's support system. I had plenty of wonderful thoughts about us and I'm sure that what we both had was true and real. Somehow months after the engagement, we started to drift into our own little world. My mind and my heart were not aligned, and I got so confused. I tried to share my thoughts and feelings with him because I wanted for us to work it out together and hopefully to find ways to make our foundation stronger. I felt like I was losing myself in the process of finding him, or finding us, or finding ways to overcome the trials and challenges of being engaged. We weren't communicating enough, but we were patient and I thought that was a bonus until I understood what that meant. We weren't being patient because we were both simply silencing and wrestling against our thoughts and fears of falling apart when we were already falling apart. Something broke between us, and we couldn't make each other happy. We came around to admit that we were not compatible because if we were, we wouldn't be so emotionally drained. 

I was mad at him and at myself that I turned myself numb. It took four months until everything finally crashed on me and I cried for days. I felt a deep sadness that I hadn't felt in a long time. I was going through so much loss (engagement, job, and my grandmother) that I didn't know where to begin. I was grieving. 

And then I felt relieved. 

From there, I slowly picked myself up and reclaiming parts of myself that I've lost. I became so focus that I somehow neglected everything else. Some parts of me were also filled with fears that I was too scared to be seen, too scared to open up or to even just go out and socialise. 

Ever since my broken engagement, I haven't dated anyone or tried to, simply because I wanted to prioritise on making myself better. Interestingly, nobody has even tried to ask me out either unless I'm as shut as a clam. It honestly doesn't bother me because I've been enjoying this freedom and I like staying at home, watching movies/series, taking naps and having so much time to read/write. I'm also glad to learn that my ex is happy with his significant other that I sometimes think that maybe he should've just met her instead of me then. It would save us the heartaches. 

But how did I do it was the question right? 

If I could tell the truth.. It's because I put my faith in God and His plans for me. That I trust Him enough to be able to accept every turbulence and trial, because I believe that everything that has been taken away from me was bad, to begin with, and He will replace it with something even better, or He could replace it with another trial to teach me another lesson, who knows but eventually everything will fall into the right place anyway. Sometimes I can't wait for that day to come but He knows better, and everything will happen at the right time, the right moment and with the right person. Insya Allah. 

Yet, 

I'm not going to sugarcoat this content. 

Yes, I am over my broken engagement and I've made peace to it. I have no more regrets on what happened and I hold no grudge. If my ex is well and happy, then that's enough for me to know that he's okay now too. 

So let's get back to the part that I haven't been dating anyone plus the part where I'm the Door Opener. Having anxiety and depression sometimes make it hard for me to endure moments of loneliness, and feeling empty. These are moments when I couldn't answer how I've managed to cope with losses. I thought about all the relationships I've had in the past, the certain people I've never quite moved on from, from having loved too much and not getting the closure I needed. I held myself back because how could I love someone fully without completely letting go of the unresolved feelings? It would be unfair and almost too distracting but I noticed that it's getting lesser every day and I hope my heart will be whole again. My desire to be loved and to be taken care of continued to grow each day but they make me depressed instead because my fear of being abandoned is still there. So I've been keeping myself safe by staying at home. A lot. This is exactly what I meant about nursing my broken heart. I can't tell if it's healthy but it has kept me safe, and that's all that matters despite the profound loneliness I feel within me. And He is always with me, I know and He will send me a physical company when I am at my bestest state because that's all I've ever been asking for. It's been more than a year and I'm not even close so loneliness is what I've to deal with for now. 

I guess that's how I do it. That's my story. I just play it safe. 

(Also because it's late, and I have work tomorrow and I need to sleep.)