Act 1

Let me elaborate my fantasies to you:

Draft 1:

FADE IN

EXT.                             Home, Evening
INT.                             Bathroom. Standing by the sink, staring at the running water.

F:

What's happening to me? What is this pain right where my heart is? 

                                     

(grabs the scissor inside the basket by the sink)

F:

Does anyone care about me? I can't think straight. I just want to disappear.

I know this is wrong. I know I've sinned. God I have sinned so much.

And I know you are giving me chances after chances, and I'm such a failure.

(places hand on chest, feels heart beating rapidly, feeling breathless)

F:

Maybe it's better to be gone.

[She falls into a profound silence, and she sobs]

(slowly slitting wrist with the scissor)

(puts more pressure on the scissor until she sees the first cut)

(keeps cutting)

(as blood rushes out of her wrist, she quickly let it runs under the tap)

[She cries harder as she slowly starts to lose her breath, and contemplate whether to change her mind while everything flashes before her. Every heartbreak, every damn person who had hurt her feelings, every lonely night, every argument, every bad thing that had ever happened] 

FADE TO BLACK

Her mother realises that she hasn't been out of her room for the entire day, and decides to send a text on the WhatsApp group. 

Mama:

(sends text)

Oooi ka, balum bangun kah? Seharian mama inda nampak.

She receives no reply. That's the only time her phone beeps that day. Nobody else was looking for her. 

Her brother walks to her door and knocks over and over again. He grabs the door handle and finds it unlocked. He walks in to find her not in bed. He walks to the bathroom door, which was partially open and he peeks. He opens the door. . . 

She lies unconscious on the bathroom floor, soaked, cold, motionless and pale. Her white shirt stains in blood. Her brother swallows his saliva and starts to run out and scream out for help. 

Everyone runs to her room, tries to get her out of the bathroom, tries to hold her while they explode into screams and tears. Holding her cold face, trying to remember the last time they'd seen her smile. Her father's hand shakes as he tries to call for help but his eyes stuck on his motionless and possibly dead daughter. Her sister grabs a towel and tries to pat her dry and repetitively saying "please, ka, wake up, please wake up" Her youngest brother freezes before her body trying to make sense of it all. On top of it all, her mother falls on her knees, grabs her daugther and holds her tight, still crying, "ka bangun, bangun"

F:

Did I look content though? or was I sad?

*       *      *

That's exactly where I stop. The moment I think about my family surrounding my dead body, and crying and trying to hold me, I stop. There is no bigger of a pain than to accumulate the total amount of pain I would've left them with if I did end my life that way. Maybe my inside is hurting, but it's not something I couldn't deal with, it's not worth dying for and I know that. 

But if I have to tell you the truth, sometimes this is what it's like inside my head. When it all got too much, I wanted the pain the end. I wanted everything to stop. 

I am bigger than all these though. I am a person of faith, and I know I wouldn't be that stupid to take my own life. I know the consequences of that too. Depression manipulates our thoughts and if we let it, it can manifest us and it's dangerous. I know that very well, and I work on my weakness so I can learn to be strong on my own. Writing this post is an acknowledgment of my weakness and imperfection as a human, and that I know I am not alone in this. Somewhere out there, someone has been thinking of a similar thing too. So, now you and I both know that God doesn't just do this to one person, but 1 in every 4 of us. Don't let depression win. We can fight this. We will win.