Catching Feelings

"Why do you write?
So I can take my love for you and give it to the world because you won't take it from me," Lang Leav.

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Today I woke up feeling a little lonelier than usual. It's turning my back and realising the empty side of my bed. It's reaching out to a phone with no notification.  

My dad's tease lingered every now and then, asking me if I was seeing someone, and who was that guy I had been referring to as "just my friend." I have no definite answer to my love life right now, I just know that I've numbed it for too long for me to ever feel this lonely. Maybe I'm undateable.

Undoubtedly, I've felt just as much love, pain, and heartache over the years, but they're all in the past now. I've embraced and cherished every moment of my previous relationships, regardless how bitter and painful it was. This was an open letter to all my exes.

Yes, this is not the first time I felt this way, and I've thought about it. Now and then, and again. 

In all honesty, I have tried to open up and . . . date or flirt with someone but I always feel like there are parts of me that are holding me back, whispering that I'll never be good enough for him or anyone else. So I've always been quick to diminish spark before it turns to flame. I do and say things so platonic and flat, a guy would quickly lose interest in me. At the back of my head, I'll comfort myself by saying that he deserves so much more, someone who is funnier, prettier and warmer than me. I can't possibly make someone happy. 

I've met those whom I have shared interests and am comfortable to be around with. I've also enjoyed having conversations, and hanging out with...

But. . . 

It's not them, it's me. Isn't it? 

They were question marks to me. As much as he's not what I expected to find, our feelings were questions that we never get to ask. It dissipated so quickly and I thought, luckily I didn't put any hope and expectation on that one. And of course, I wasn't exactly looking for anything in particular, right?

All the feelings and thoughts I actually really do feel inside, are buried. 

Here's a twist: 

I think I might have a crush on someone. 

When I close my eyes, I feel his palm on my cheek as I rest mine on it. I feel the warmth of his smile, and the tingles in my stomach every time I catch him staring. His eyes shine, and his laughter a melody to my ears. How can I possibly feel so much for someone I don't even know? 

Today I woke up. So does my heart. 

And the loneliness I was talking about, was my mind telling me again, it's never going to happen.