My dearest friends,
I pray you are well.
I know I haven't checked in for quite some time, and I am sorry. I am sorry that I haven't made the effort to text you up, and set lunch, dinner or movie with you. I know, sometimes I just lied about being busy. Sometimes I just don't have enough energy to make it through the day.
I can only have so much *spoon to use, you know.
Lately, if I'm lucky, I get 6 spoons, but most days I only get 4, and I work my way around it. To make plans and socialise always require more spoon. It's always difficult for me to explain what it means to be an Introvert too but here's another visual:
I know most of you are Extroverts and I love having you around. Your energy can be so stimulating, and enjoyable and I always have plenty of great laughs around you, but it's not something I can keep up with. There's already enough communication to be made at work, and sometimes when I get home, it's just so nice to recuperate and recharge. I won't talk about being anaemic (iron deficient) because medically speaking, I am naturally low on energy anyway.
I've missed you.
I scrolled through Whatsapp and tried to find someone to talk with and then I realised, there was nothing to talk about. Have we grown apart? I could ask how you're doing, and I know we'd always make promises to meet each other soon, but almost always never do. I'll take half the blame on that one, sorry.
I've lost some of you too, maybe due to stupid rumours and feeling betrayed. It really did bother me to learn that you've chosen to stop talking to me instead of talking it through with me. When I chose to open up to you, and when I heard something of you that you, yourself have never told me, I knew it was a lot about trust. I trusted you with my secrets, and I trusted myself to keep my mouth shut. I was really upset when I found out about it too, and yet I thought about every good conversation we've ever had, and how thankful I was to have a friend like you. I really am sorry for making you feel the way you did, or still do and I hope you'll come around to understand that, we all played a part in this mess somehow. Depends on which one you'd like to be responsible with.
To my friends whom I've known for years now, and have since grown together in terms of academic, professional and personal life, I'm sorry I never told you guys everything. Having been able to share your happiness, it is only necessary for me to keep much of life untold for now. I've been sitting around the dining table with you, with such heaviness in my chest, wanting to share how I've been feeling but we always have such a great laugh together, and I love that about us. We are so different from each other, yet we compromised and I cannot be thankful enough for still having you guys around. You've kept me human.
And to my friends who have disappeared or got disconnected, I wish I knew what happened. It's hard to understand how two people could grow so close and so distant altogether. "Two people who were once close can without blame or grand betrayal become strangers. Perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world." It is sad to find a photo, or an old conversation and wondering what happened.
Above all though,
My lack of energy on a daily basis really does make it so difficult for me to convince myself to step outside and be productive. I would really love to catch up, and make time for everyone but sometimes just the idea of how to keep you entertain takes so much of me. And little did you know, even if we've known each other for years, I still get anxious when I have to meet you because making sure that you'll go home feeling happy and satisfied matters to me.
My dearest friends,
I am not a very good one but every one of you has a special individual place in my life, even if you were mean (because mean people belongs in my unconscious level close to the violent motives). Maybe we will run into each other, and pretend to make more promises we'll never fulfill but I will always still call you my friend. Please take care.
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