Last night I found myself having dinner with friends, who are married with kids, recently married and recently started a relationship and then there was I, the single one. I looked at each one of them, and said "wow, siok you guys ada someone to drive you home. I have to drive myself."
At some point, the part where they would try to set me up with someone never failed to make it into our conversations. I understood their intention was well, but hear me out, maybe?
Ever since my break-up earlier last year, I've had my parents, aunties, friends, cousins and my parents' colleagues trying to set me up with whoever popped into their mind. Their intention was all well, and I appreciated it.
It would be a lie if I said that I haven't thought about going out there and started dating again, but every time I do, I started thinking about all my past relationships, I thought about my heart, myself and always asking, "Am I really ready for this?"
I'll be 27 this year - yes, I've heard it many times how at this age, my mother already had 2 kids (and that's me being the second child). Times are changing. We no longer adhere to such rule where you're expected to be married at a certain age because right now, my generation is constantly trying to find stability and security for themselves. We no longer want to rely on our partner to sustain ourselves, because we want to lessen that burden for each other and be responsible. Our standard of living is so different from our parents' generation that the idea of having a family is not a simple decision. We want our kids to be raised well; get a good education; live in a proper home and etc. We just want to be prepared. Well, at least those are my thoughts on it.
What does it mean to be 27 though?
I honestly don't know! When I was 12, I thought I'd be married by 23. I thought I'd have everything figured out at 25. Clearly, I was wrong. Life is unpredictable in that way. I almost got married, and yet I learned I was actually not fully prepared for that. The pressure and expectation that society put on us can be quite damaging, and I no longer want to be controlled by it. You don't have to do something because they said it's what you should do because you should be the one who knows what you truly want and think about everything through before jumping into anything because obviously, I don't just want to start dating because I'm getting older, or because everyone else is in a relationship.
I no longer have that privilege of being in and out of a relationship as I pleased. Everything has to be taken seriously now. If I want to start dating, I need to be with someone whose in it for the long run, and not "we'll go with the flow and see where it'll take us" although I think it's too heavy of an expectation. I generally do want to meet someone and naturally let the relationship flow, but we both would need to take each other seriously without being hard on ourselves. I also don't think I'm capable of going back to square one, and start all over again if it didn't work out. It always feels like I've only got one chance left at nailing this.
Some parts of me are scared, the rest unassured.
Relationships are hard work. If I can't take care of myself, how can I possibly think about taking care of another? If I can't get myself together, how can I possibly think I can handle another?
Being single has its perks, and I've gotten so used to it that the idea of dating doesn't even make it to my top 10 list of things to achieve this year. When I listened to friends talk about relationship problems, or dating issues, I heaved a sigh of relief because it's so nice to have such a drama-free life. For once, it's good that I have time to be there for my family, friends, cats and focus on my job. And the best part, I get to stay in as much as I want. Everything at the comfort of my home. And no, my life is not boring. My life is awesome.
When I saw Frances Ha earlier this year, I kept thinking "HAH! That's so me. I'm undateable!" How can I be really? Sometimes I think, maybe there's nothing worth of me to date, to begin with. And then I thought, "man, maybe I just suck at being in a relationship" and that's probably true. So I focus on being in a relationship with myself, and even that sometimes I manage to disappoint myself.
Perhaps I've grown to have different mentality and perception about dating and being in a relationship. I learn the quality of my life does not depend on whom I'm dating, or whether I'm with someone or not. Maybe I've stopped looking, I stopped expecting because eventually we'll find our ways to each other. Everything has been written anyhow, right?
And I hope, when we meet, our eyes sparkle and we share a zing the first time we shake our hands as we introduce ourselves, and we melt into each other's smiles and we will continue to feel this way for the rest of our lives together. I hope we're meant to love eternally, wholeheartedly and passionately. I hope we complete and complement one another because you'll always be the one to finish up my food when I can't, which will happen very often. I hope we share the same interests and hobbies, and we laugh at the silliest of things like when I find out there could be more eggs in this world I'd have yet to learn, and that you think I'm the best singer and dancer in the world even though I suck terribly at it and vice versa. I hope we both also know that it's important to wash our laundry properly.
I hope you'll always kiss me good night, and wrap your arms around me even when we're old and stinky. I hope you'll let me take care of you, as you did for me and our children.
And above all, I hope we'll find out that the treasure we would both find in each other is what a hopeless romantic we both are.
I love you already. See you when I see you.
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