When You're Left on "Read"

Lately, I've been having trouble getting a good night sleep. I'd wake up every few hours, disrupted by the words that were filling up my head. I didn't want to write it because it was not necessary. 

Oftentimes, we don't want to talk about the things that are bothering us because we don't want to hear opinions from others. We would keep burying it until you no longer could. Lately, I have limited space for a lot of things and that includes my emotions. 

When you write a letter, it's easy not to expect a reply because you might've sent it to the wrong address, or the mail could've gotten lost somewhere. There is just no certainty of receiving. 

But when you send an e-mail or a text, it's harder to process when you knew you've been left on "Read" or "Seen". Social media is not a good place for someone with anxiety because then we would make up scenarios in our head, and we'd make our own reasons as to why they're not responding to you. However, at the end of the day, you lie awake at night trying to figure it all out. 

You often ask yourself: "But why?"

Are they being inconsiderate? Is this Ghosting? Why would they ghost you? Did they block you? Was the content too sappy, or too cringe-worthy or too much? 

It's easy to ghost someone, but it's also selfish.

What I want people who ghost to know is that avoiding a difficult conversation by ignoring someone stirs up a lot of unhealthy self-talk within the ghostee.

Self-doubt is a toxic river in the mind leading to a sea of low self-esteem. Confidence is shattered, self-worth is put into question, and lack of clarity becomes insomnia’s greatest companion. Night after night I agonized over his desertion. I felt inadequate and the confusion surrounding our demise left me cynical. 

(source: thoughtcatalog)

It is indeed unhealthy and it's funny because you almost believed that you were writing to someone with so much maturity but they don't even have a slight courage to at least tell you the truth. You could go on for years and still couldn't find the answer you're looking for because you know the only person who could give you closure is them. 

It's embarrassing to admit that you are losing sleep over something so petty, but you knew that you opened up and had given a part of yourself to someone and it hurts to know that they had thrown that away. You were vulnerable and they took that for granted. 

Everyday, I'd dig a hole and bury everything. Sometimes I just couldn't control my thoughts and it would resurface over and over again. I don't want to keep writing to them because it's a waste of my time, so maybe this is my new hole. I'm learning to let go of all this bad energy and there is nothing better than to pour it all out on a blog. 

If you are going through the same phase, I don't have any advice. I guess you just keep going forward and eventually things will work out. Who knows, I'm still working on mine.