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You poured me a glass of water, as I sat across the table staring into your bloodshot eyes, knowing all too well that it was almost time for bed. 

The waiter had offered me to try their Mojito, and when I asked if there was soda in it, he thought I wanted a no-sugar mojito. I said, "nevermind, I'll take a Mojito then." I came 10 minutes early so I could hide the present I had gotten for you. I knew you would be late, but somehow parts of me wondered if you wouldn't turn up at all. 

You walked through the door, with a loose mask on your face. You came. 

It was the first time I'd seen you since my birthday last year. The first time I would've heard your voice, and my only chance to tell you why I needed to see you. We caught up on things, not much but it was the longest conversation we'd have in months.

I felt your phone vibrated, and your eyes going everywhere and how my story didn't seem to interest you. You were tired, and I was still looking for that window to confront my intention. Perhaps, the restaurant was too packed, too noisy and inappropriate for a personal moment. 

You walked 5 steps ahead of me and I walked behind you as you walked down the stairs. I was holding on to my words, my heart was beating so rapidly I thought I was going to vomit. I asked you to drive me in your new car, and you did. It seemed like a small window opened up for me then until I took a quick glance of you and noticed how you just wanted the evening to end. 

When I got to my car, and I took a final look at you, I felt something in me shattered. I came to learn that my feelings for you had never really gone away. Realising that I won't be seeing you again made me sad. Knowing that I never get to tell you how I felt all these months made my eyes swell. 

I slept for 2 days trying to shut my feelings down. Trying to shut me down. I tossed and turned in bed, covering my head with a blanket, sleeping at the edge of the bed, sleeping around my bed and tossing my phone away, yet something inside me still buzzed. 

I don't know what it is. In my head, it's so clear that there's nothing I could do about it. I could confess to you and still be in the same exact spot. The reality of it is that we won't work. I am here and you're never around. Our communication has always been flat and I don't even know your favourite genre of music. I don't understand why I got so broken up by it when I know so well of the pros and cons. 

Maybe I've been deluded by how consumed I've been by whatever I have felt for you. It is true that it hurts that it's not worth pursuing but I am also smart enough to understand why I should move on from it. I hate this side of me who always wanted answers. Maybe all I wanted to hear was him telling me that he doesn't feel the same way. Maybe I wanted it to be true that he had only come to dinner because it was a nice gesture. Maybe it would be better to know that there was somebody else. 

So I thought and thought and went on the internet and: 

So I was just a silly girl with a stupid heart and stupid brain for thinking that I had a chance to find love again, but I've always been a big believer in God's plan. He takes this one away yet reminds me that my heart is still capable of emotions and feelings. That I could still get my heart broken even without dating anyone. I think it's weirdly impressive. 

Gosh, I hope you knew that I meant what I said. I am truly thankful for you.