I have a certain fondness with subway stations. I think it's because of how things keep moving, no matter what. Lately, I guess that's how I've been carrying myself. I just keep going and doing the same thing, in and out.
Last night,
It felt like I finally unplugged. There's this heaviness that I didn't quite know how to unload. Feelings and emotions I tried very hard to bury and forget. I said to myself "this too shall pass" and that time would be the main helper of it.
I was wrong.
I was wrong for so many reasons.
At first, it was a mild sobbing and I cried. The kind of cry that was needed and functioned to offer instant relief. It's true that we don't cry because we're weak, we cry because we have to. It's so vital to keep yourself sane. After crying for a few minutes, my chest started to cave in and I was trying so hard to gasp for air. I collapsed in that very second, burst out in tears, I never knew I was hurting so badly.
I was sitting in the dark, and alone and intensely crying by myself.
I haven't cried this hard in months. What I feared most was to close my eyes and to have flashes of bad memories, yet that was the exact reason I cried even harder. I closed my eyes and I saw everything. I saw what hurt me most and what had kept me strong. I felt that jabbing pain, so I buried my face in stacks of pillows and screamed "NO!"
I couldn't breathe. I had to sit up and calm myself.
When I finally did, I fell on my knees and cried again. This was exhausting. I couldn't stop. I didn't stop until my body told me it was enough.
Sometimes days just went by and I didn't realise what I've been collecting. I may seem fine on the surface and yet, inside my head, it's a completely different world. All I needed was just to flush it all out. Right?
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