Remembering To Forget

 

Some flashing memories felt like it was only yesterday. So vivid and so near. Have a similar thing happened to you before?

A few days ago, I was just doing something very routine when I suddenly had a flashing memory of being in high school. The memory felt so fresh like I was only there yesterday. It's a memory that I wouldn't consider to be an important event in my life, but from what I could recall, I was standing in the small area outside the science labs and just hearing random noises. My classmates and I were just waiting for our turn to go in. 

I am not sure why but I tend to forget things easily. I especially have very little memory of my childhood and my teenage years because I was going through a trauma that my mind was focused on trying to get rid of a specific event in my life. When my cousins, friends, or my siblings tried to remind me of a time that we spent together, I struggled to juggle that memory. Stupidly enough though, I tend to store pains, losses, and grievances much longer than I anticipated. It takes a lot of my mental space, and it hurts. 

I'm in a position where I'm confused about ways I could make myself forget painful memories. I've always learned that confronting and finding closure help me to move on faster and then eventually making new spaces for new memories. Unfortunately, a lot of the pains that have been manifesting me mentally and emotionally were a lot more complicated. It could be an aftermath of a really bad misunderstanding between me and another individual who might've been very close with me at one point. So talking things through was not usually an option if the other party wish to have absolutely no contact with you anymore. I read a lot that closure is not for everyone and sometimes closure can make things worse. So I let the days go by, and I sweep things under the rug. 

But sometimes, the residues from the damaged float on the surface and there's not much that you can do but to accept it. This is why I write; to find comfort and expressing my thoughts without hurting anyone else in the process. Yet, lately, this has just been so difficult. Writing something that has been bothering me or causing me pain has made it seem like I'm not mentally strong enough to overcome such emotion and I make myself believe that they're only temporary and if I keep myself occupied with other things, I will soon forget it again. This doesn't feel healthy, but it's the only way I've been able to cope with everything. It's a way for me to make myself believe that I am not weak. 

Some flashing memories felt like it was only yesterday. 

Some were good memories, some were alright and some others left you wondering. Nevertheless, I always keep only the good memories of those who were already in my past, despite how bad things may have ended.