For as long as I can remember, I tend to put others' needs before mine because I thought, if they're happy, I'll be happy too. I am not going to lie but I wasn't a nice person before. I made fun of people, I hurt their feelings and I just really didn't care of the consequences of my actions. Once I saw my own reflections, I was disgusted of myself and really wished I never did what I did.
So I made a promise to myself - that I will be kinder, sympathetic, empathetic and compassionate towards others. I want to treat everyone with respect and as equally as possible. Equal in my definition is not about feminism or meninism, I look at people as God's creation, as only human with no power, ranking or statuses that could differentiate or separate us. Imagine looking at ourselves from planets away - we are nothing but a speck of dust. How can we possibly think we are that significant?
Moving on.
At work, I tried to apply these habits. My clerk (though I actually disliked having to label her as so), was poorly treated before I entered the unit. She was always ill, and I thought perhaps it was because of her disorganised space, or she's just not taking care of herself well enough. Turned out, it was the stress from work itself. I saw the amount of work that kept being added and labeled as urgent, giving her no space to breathe. I dove in and offered my help. I wouldn't ask her to do simple tasks like filings, photocopying, printing or preparing letters if I thought I could do that by myself. I also took a huge step of speaking up to my manager of how I really felt with her way of managing things in the office.
I've been piling up so many negative emotions over the years, that I know it's rapidly trying to consume me. I am so good at ignoring my own feelings that I never realised that I am entitled to my own emotions, that I too can put myself first before everyone else.
Now that I no longer work there, I have been suppressing my feelings that I think it's starting to take a toll on me. It's very difficult for me to open up like this, but I need to let it go. So sure, I spoke up, but 98% of the time, I was told to shut up. I had no power and entitlement of any sort because they said I have poor communication skills and no rights to talk to people directly. Being in the middle management means that, when something goes wrong, you are always the first to take the blame. If it's your boss's fault, it's your fault. If it's your subordinate's fault, it is also your fault. A lot of the people involved with the project didn't like me, I don't blame them because I probably hated me too. Apart from not having any rights to speak up, I also have no rights to make any decisions but sometimes I had to be the delivery person and then took the fall for the team. I had to do whatever they told me to do because why? "Experience" they say.
I had moments of black goo, of pitch black-lie on the floors-crying for hours-depressed moments because work was so overwhelming. For 2 years, I had to endure all that for believing that it would all be worth it in the end. Was it? After 2 years, I was told to resign because a termination letter would be bad on my resume. All I could think about was that they just wanted to take the easy road. For me to submit a resignation letter means that they can simply take me out of the proposed budget, justifying it with a proof of my letter. If I had fought to stay, that would've made things.. let's say complicated, wouldn't it? Then again, for 2 years I had always wanted to leave. Although it wasn't the way I expected it to be, leaving that place was probably the best thing I've ever done for myself.
My feelings were hurt and I was disrespected a lot but I stayed grounded and kept doing my job as I should. If it wasn't because of my responsibility and commitment to the projects, I would've taken it less seriously.
So this is supposedly ... my break, right? This is the time that I should utilise on improving myself, rethink my strategy, and prepare for the next big thing. Or at the very least, this is the time for comfort. But for weeks now, my stress level is getting worse and worse. At 4 p.m. I would find myself knocked out on the couch from an attempt of a mindful body scan.
I am aware that this is a very difficult time for me, that I am actually emotionally suffering and I am trying not to resist the pain because I honestly don't have anymore capacity or space to store them. I don't want these negative emotions to ruin my goal of being more compassionate with myself. I want nothing more than to know how to take care of me, when there's nobody else to lean on.
I can feel that I am being put under a lot of pressure right now, that some people don't understand how overwhelmed I am with everything that had happened in the last 4 months. I want to help others but I want to do it on my own pace. I can't sleep at night, or through the night - and I can't stay up during the day because I am so exhausted from not getting enough rest. My brain is being told to constantly focus on this research that I honestly am not enjoying at all.
The other thing is that I can't be selfish. I understand where the pressure is coming from, at least it's something that I learned from work and I know why there is a need to nag and push too. Yet again, my body is slowly rejecting them because it wants me to focus on giving care to myself. I owe it that much. I need time to recuperate and find my ground.
It's true, you don't have to grab every opportunity there is and you shouldn't force yourself to do something that could worsen your condition. I know it's not easy to just walk out of something that you've already started, but if it's eating you up - what better way than to let go? They say, there is beauty in letting go.
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