3 Cats and a Bird

I get awfully claustrophobic sometimes and at the same time, I would intentionally walk into a crowd just so I can numb myself.

I numb myself more times than I’ve realized and I don’t know why I just want to admit defeat today. I am tired of fighting myself, constantly convincing that I have a strong mentality. I do but for once, I would like to give myself some room to breathe.

I put a strong front because of the people in my life, like my mother, my siblings, friends… They need to have someone who seems to have it altogether, who doesn’t break and just plain resilient just so we can reduce the intensity of our everyday lives. I don’t take credits for any of the things I’ve done for them, because I don’t want to think that if something goes wrong one day, then I would have something to point out to and then redeem myself. I love my family and I would hate it if we turn into something we’re not.

I am not the golden child, and I am not their favorite one either but I am the one they believe should be the most responsible amongst the six of us. And this is why I will never ever be enough. There is this idea of perfection, an idea of how and what I should be. And every time, I never failed to disappoint. When things go wrong, it’s hard to notice what’s right. Sometimes, I don’t know if it matters. I have a degree, I had a job and I pretty much lived on my own expenses even when I don’t have job. Yet, if they could turn back time, they would’ve done everything to convince me that I should’ve taken a different a major, I should’ve been something I’m not. Every other girl with the same name and age would’ve been compared to me as if it was okay. Most of the time, I swallowed my anger, and let my throat be choked by the strings of words that I would never say. I get angry but then I forget about it because I love them unconditionally and that’s not enough.

My sister will never be like me. She’s the extroverted one, the ones with friends and the one that everybody likes. And now that she’s about to enter Uni, I told her that she can do whatever she wants and not go for something that she will later regret. The first thing my mother said was that she shouldn’t take the same major I did because there is no way she should end up like me. It’s like at 25, I’ve already ended my life.

Maybe I made a wrong turn somewhere but I will never go back in time just so I can fix what everybody thought was wrong. I’ve lost so much this year, and yes maybe that has something to do with me. How I became paranoid of just talking to someone because I could say the wrong thing and eventually hurting and pushing them away. I can’t keep losing people – so now I’m practically alone. That’s my own doing right?

This is why I have a blog so I can talk to myself, because what do I have left? I know that God has something big planned out for me some time in the future but I couldn’t even bring myself to see the light of day anymore.

What am I doing? is the question I ask myself at the end of the day. I’m still here, right? Alive and breathing, so there is obviously some kind of a reason and a purpose of course. I don’t know if I’m just intentionally ignoring it because lately, just talking to myself everyday is starting to consume my sanity.

Is this why I have three cats and a bird? So I can end up being a “crazy cat lady with the budgie”? I don’t know anymore but I do hope this is just some phase I need to go through.

See, I too can be weak and lonely and slightly stuck in the head but I know, like everything else, I’ll find my way out eventually. I always do.