Indeed Allah's help is always near.
I have been thinking about writing this post for quite some time but I didn't quite know how to properly put my thoughts into words.
What happened at the end of 2014 changed me and for the first time in my life, I began to learn to accept myself as flawed as I may be. It was about accepting everything that Allah has given to me and in return, to treat myself with more compassion. I don't know the exact saying, but if you want something to change, then you have to change yourself first? Something like that.
Then 2015 was the year of trials and errors. He kept giving me test after test to see if I understood what I thought I knew. Each day became a struggle, and I began to question my existence, I was falling apart, lost, weak, alone and didn't know where to go. It was the beginning of my greatest state of depression, and numerous suicidal urges. I would fall on my knees, begging Him to shed me some light, to help me through that phase, and I prayed and prayed and prayed until my final option was to finally open up to my closest and most trusted friends. That's when I learned about adding more to my prayers, to increase my faith and to refresh my niat whenever possible.
From 5 times a day, I was slowly adding one after another until it became a habit to pray at least 7 times a day. The idea is not to just pray and ask - but pray because Allah has given ALL of his time for you, and in return, you have to be able to make time for him. I pray for my parents and family, I pray for people closest to me and sometimes for those who need the prayers, and then lastly I pray for what He believes is good for me. I would never ask for anything specific, other than to ease and guide me through my quest, and to help me prepare if the results were not what I wanted to hear.
Most people by now would already know that I've lost many things this year, and I have had some of the most bitter financial crisis to deal with, but somehow everything was made sufficient for me. It wasn't always easy but in the end, it's always been resolved. I was unemployed for roughly 4 months but my wallet was neither empty nor full, and I was always well fed and content. Of course, I'd admit that there were times I was so frustrated because I couldn't find a job or I felt like I was adding so much burden to my family, but these were the reasons that pushed me to work even harder. I was vigorous at applying for jobs, I'd scoured through my saving jar to pay for my overdue bills and buy food for my cats, then I'd skipped meeting up with friends and I just never stopped praying and having faith in His plans for me.
Nobody really understood my silence and sufferings except Him.
By June, I started receiving more of His help. I landed a job and was selected for a Youth Exchange Programme to Siem Reap, and things were beginning to pick up. However, there was one small issue at work - there's no space for me to perform my prayer and I only get an hour of lunch. This really did upset me because I didn't want to qadha Zuhur everyday, so I sacrificed my lunch hour to go to the nearby mosque, which is about 10 mins drive from my office. That's where I find solace in each day.
My job takes a lot out of me, and it makes me want to cry and never want to leave bed. I have had so many suicidal thoughts and urges, that there was one day that I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I was in misery yet no one really cares. All my parents ever wanted from me was to find another job or if I could; to go back in time and make the right choices. People at work only wanted me to get the work done irregardless of how I feel about it. And everyone else just thought that I was okay but I'm not. I keep trying and trying and praying and crying and just live.
I didn't want to complain because I wanted to be grateful. I was and still am, and that's why I still get out of bed everyday, do my bestest at work and never stop looking. I know He listens every night and I know I have so much I need to fix about myself and I often have this thought that if I don't change myself, then I don't deserve to ask anything from Him, that maybe whatever it is that I have right now are the consequences of my own actions and it's what I deserve to get.
However yesterday, He gave me one of the greatest gift of all time. It's something that I finally can proudly give to my parents, my cats, my friends and at last myself. It's the beginning of a new chapter and it wouldn't have happened if it is not by Allah's help and guidance. The ratio of my effort cannot even amount to the His ability to change my life. Most people's mission in life is to find Happiness, but ultimately for me is to always be loved by Him. If it's anything that I've learned throughout these couple of years, is to stop asking Why and What did I do to deserve this? Instead, I want more hardships and trials so I can better myself and bring myself closer to Him.
For whenever you are ready, add Dhuha and Hajat into your daily prayers. Seek guidance and help from Him. Find Him Find You. Trust in His plans, in His decisions for you. This life is only temporary and always remember that something much better awaits you on the other side if you could just stay patient and strong. Don't lose hope because what's meant for you will always find it's way to you. If there is a will there's a way may sound cliche but it wouldn't have been one if it's not true.
Lastly, never underestimate the power of Prayers and Do'a. Others will continue to hurt you, but nobody knows you better than yourself and Him, so why bother thinking what others have to say about you? Even if these people were your parents, don't let them cloud your mind and affect your ability to be the best version of you.
Alhamdulillah Ya Rabb,
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