Nothing New

If I live to 100, I will still remember your birthday, because “first loves leave fingerprints” they say.

I grew up trying to understand what love meant, what it’s supposed to feel like and how to take care of it. Every time someone leaves, I quickly gather traces of their footsteps, collecting their voice in jars and imprinting their face, their smile and even that last stare into my brain. I thought love shouldn’t be forgotten even if it’s not meant for me to keep because at least for a little while, it was made for me – and I thought I had the rights to preserve all the good things and let them live in my thoughts.

Most of my relationships ended pretty bitter, and anyone in their right mind would probably forget about it by now. However, I chose to remember. It’s this simple acknowledgement that these people used to exist in my life, and planted a seed and I chose to let it grow. I built my past lovers a garden I can walk through each day, knowing that I have created so many good memories to allow me to forgive them. To let my anger and frustration subside. And that the pain they’ve caused me only make me stronger and gentle at the same time. They taught me to right my wrong and to give more and more for the next person to come. I will never know how to love someone in the right way, but I will love more and I will give more.

Dear past lovers,

I haven’t forgotten about you. There will always be places, songs, photos, quotes and even a person that would somehow reminds me of you. Sometimes my chest hurts, but these feelings are mostly nostalgic and harmless. I have learned to embrace our fate and cherish all the good things both you and I created together.

“I broke down briefly when I said he deserves someone better and that someone else deserves his love and attention, that I was and am not the one for him. I wanted the best for him, I wanted him to let go of all that’s pulling him down because it’s unfair for the both of us to be this unhappy,” (unpublished)

The journey to get to where I am today was a painful experience. There were nights I found myself sleeping on pillows soaked in my tears, days I refused to see the sun, moments I contemplated if life was worth living and I now realized that I was made better for everything. While you’ve built walls around me, they were never tall enough to stop me from seeing what a beautiful home you have built on your own land. The happiness that’s on your face, the hands you are holding on to – all made beautiful just for you and those are all that I’ve ever wanted for you. Pure bliss and a deserving love. You are exactly where you needed to be, and that’s enough to keep the flowers to blossom in my garden too.

My heart has learned that you can’t kill love, you can't unlove, undo or make yourself forget of the things you have once felt, immensely, deeply and passionately even if it was temporary. And I know for sure that I had given you with all that I could, and all that I could never get back. And it’s okay. We’re okay now.