Conversations & Questions

For the past few nights, I found myself crying to sleep. My mind had been filled with thoughts I didn't know how to express, or even release so I laid in bed, stared at the ceiling and started to make conversation with God. 

I've always been scared to ask why certain things are happening in my life right now because it often appears to me as if I didn't trust Him in his plans for me, but I'm allowed to ask, right? However that's not the reason why I cried. 

On my last post, I wrote that only I can save myself but after some conversations with myself, I figured that's probably not possible. I was crying because I wanted Him to help me, to guide or to help me understand why I feel less significant these days. I wanted to understand why my heart has been aching lately. I needed some kind of a path, or signs to make sense of everything. It did sound demanding, then I cried harder because I didn't know if I was asking too much of Him, when I should've put an equal amount of effort to please Him in return. 

I couldn't seem to talk to anyone about what's been bothering me. I saw that people are slowly drifting away, and some even just stopped talking completely. No whys, no because. In all honesty, it hurts. It hurts to lose people you genuinely care about, but then realised that they don't share the same amount of concern for you. And I miss them but what's the point if it's only a one-sided friendship. 

Sigh. 

"I have been able to maintain the relationship with my friends because I keep in contact with them through quality conversation. Either through video chats on Skype, or text or voices messages through Whatsapp, or sending emails, or meeting them offline, meaning having a proper sit down, over coffee or dinner/lunch and ask how they are doing. So far, it seems to be working for me," MA

Yesterday I asked if our existence becomes less valid for quitting social medias. MA told me that I could maintain my relationship with others through all that. I guess the difference between us is the type of people we surround ourselves with. Sure, I can very easily call or do skype but none of the people I know has the time anymore. Time has become an excuse, and I lie about being busy. 

Sigh. 

Maybe there's an answer here in this post somewhere and maybe I just refuse to admit that the problem is me, and not others. Cause it's always my fault, right?