I remembered walking past this boy, gave him the look because I thought I could stand up for myself for once, the next thing I knew I was falling down the ground, face first. This boy had tripped me over and then laughed at me.
* * *
A group of girls once pushed me against the pole and told me to 1) Move to another school 2) Disappear and 3) Die.
* * *
Some senior in my school slapped me on the face once. I didn't even know who she was.
* * *
Someone I barely knew used to pull back my scarf out of spite. She thought it was funny, and then her whole gang laughed at me.
* * *
People gave me names because they thought it was funny. Because they thought glasses were nerdy and nerdy kids were freaks.
* * *
A lot of people looked down on me because I was quiet, and always too scared to speak up. Most times, they'd tell me that I could be crushed in a second and then they pushed me.
* * *
When I was in London, my classmates used to tell me that I didn't belong there.
* * *
I've dealt with sexism and racism throughout my academic years in London. Not just from my peers, but also from my own teachers.
* * *
All the years I've spent blogging, and being on the Internet - I still get cases where people thought I should look a certain way because to them I'm "ugly" or that I was pathetic.
So maybe I wasn't born with the looks or the personality but who gave you the rights to tell me what I should do with my life?
Gosh, for years I tried to figure out if it was my fault. If I shouldn't have existed in the first place. The many times I resisted listening to people telling me that I should just disappear or die. The thing about bullies though, they'll keep finding you and they'll keep trying to find ways to hurt you. It's sickening and scary.
I guess that's why I have a low self-esteem. The belief that I'll never be good enough for anything at all. Every time I want to go bold, and be confident, I keep hearing all these voices. Their voices telling me that I don't deserve that kind of attention, or that I don't deserve anything at all. The impact that these bullies have on me still lingers and hold me hostage in my own thoughts. I feel stuck. I feel like my feet are chained and there are people surrounding me, pointing their fingers at me, laughing at me and saying "see, she's weak."
I don't know where I belong to be honest. And I'm scared because I keep believing that I'll be saved by someone when I know that someone is me and not a guy. If I don't know how to unleash myself from these chains, I could be stuck forever, right? So I'll keep trying and I'll work on strengthening my mentality to break me free.
And to you,
Maybe you don't know what it means to be bullied but that's okay. Maybe it's easier for you to hurt my feelings to make you feel better, but they also make me stronger. I am learning every day to embrace moments when I feel really good about myself, and to start noticing the good before the bad. I am slowly loosening these chains because it's just mind over matter, right? If it doesn't matter, get rid of it. I am getting rid a whole case of all of you.
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