"When friendships have such power and importance, they carry the potential not only for beauty and healing, but for violence and abuse as well," Everyday Feminisim.
One of the hardest decisions I have to make this year would be to leave friendships that are bad for me, mentally and emotionally OR to accept someone's departure from my life as a positive thing. Both are equally challenging.
When you're naive to think that all friendships are supposed to be healthy, it's even harder to recognise what an emotionally abusive relationship or friendship is like. My tendency to be in such situation is most probably due to filling in the empty gap of my life or my quick emotional attachment to anyone who is "nice" towards me.
I don't know how to leave first because I always thought that'd be selfish but "I didn't realise that pulling the plug when someone no longer has your best interests at heart isn't selfish - it's an act of self-love."
There are obviously many signs to tell if you're in a toxic friendship, here are some that I've gathered and found:
1) "You're on eggshells around them because you don't know what will make them angry"
I have so many friendships that are like this. It's when you always have to "jaga hati" your friends because they're 'sensitive' or 'short-tempered' and so on. Most of the ones I know think they're always right, and whenever I would try to make my point, they'd get upset because my point is somehow invalid. Once I realised that, I often would just keep thoughts to myself. Not good, huh?
2) "Spending time with them is draining"
I wouldn't limit this to just spending time with them. It's staying in contact and finding the conversation emotionally draining. I have friends who would only beep me because they're sad, or depressed, or was having a bad day. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good listener and I enjoy being there for my friends, offering support and love but I don't want to limit or associate our friendships to only sadness. I don't want to see your name appears on my screen only to know that your "How are you" will lead to "I'm having a bad day again." I want us to be healthy, and have better days but maybe we're better off doing that separately?
3) "They don't respect you"
So maybe you're quite timid, like me, and your friends tend to take an advantage of that. When you don't know how to speak up when someone upsets you, it's easier for someone to hurt your feelings, perhaps verbally, in which could lead to feeling emotionally abused as well. The other thing is when your friends think IT'S OKAY to SAY WHATEVER, DO WHATEVER because you just don't care, right? Sigh, obviously the respect game is not mutual here.
4) "They tease you about your nerdier interests in front of strangers in a way that writes you off and feels dehumanizing"
I have in fact have moments where my friends thought my way of spending my off day at home, reading books and writing as something nerdy and uncool.
5) One-sidedness
Because one has to care more than the other right?
* * * * *
Truth be told, I have never really been the one to leave first. I lingered around and would try to find the exact reasons why they were ignoring my texts and emails all of a sudden. This is the issue with me; I got attached and I don't like the feeling of detachment. What more abandonment. Sigh.
I get scared with the idea of losing friends, or losing the people I care but what's the point in walking on an eggshell, right?
I'm not perfect. I'm sure they have their own reasons as to why they chose to leave first, and why I finally came around to accept that. It's not obvious to see at first, but eventually, the truth unfolds and you finally learn what a healthier choice that was.
* * * * *
True story:
My friend of 10 years has recently cut off contact with me. No whys no because, he just does. Our last conversation was him contacting me out of the blue, asking how I was and had made an impromptu plan to meet up but was later canceled. No reasons, he just said, "Maybe tonight isn't so good to meet up." As usual, I was OK with that.
Days went by and I had sent several messages that were left unresponded. I didn't like the feeling of not knowing, the uneasy guts telling me that something had happened. A month later, I came around to believe that this friendship was never really good to begin with. I have always been there for him. Through his break-ups, his dark days to offering him all my support for every thing he chose to pursue, but he would only seem to appear when he's bored, has no one to talk to or was down. I mean, he was a good friend and I truly did care for him but for what it's worth, I felt this friendship wasn't doing me any good. I had decided to write him an email.
No reply.
I reactivated my Instagram about two months ago and posted several posts which he would press "Like" on. That had left me more confused. Why would you like my post but not take a second to reply my messages? I left him more messages, which he read but never replied. Gosh, I started to feel frustrated. I have been ghosted by my friend, whom I've known for 10 years. And yes, if you think I didn't figure it out, I have. My guts tried to tell me something, I just never listened. That no matter how much of a good friend I tried to be, I will always be that girl who is misunderstood for her intention.
Sometimes, this is not about how long a friendship is, it's more of the quality of the friendship that one must value. I could have known someone for less than a year and feel like they're more positively beneficial for my mental and emotional health.
True to some extent that the older you grow, the smaller your circle may become. But even when it's small, at least they are your truest friends.
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