When You're Not Good With Death

I was scrolling through Whatsapp to delete old conversations. Yes, I tend to leave chats undeleted for years (so if you think I don't have proof of what you've said 3 years ago, I most probably still do!) 

Anyway, I thought I would be OK by now but I still get flashbacks of Rocky. I still get that punch inside my chest, a sudden crystal teary eyes, and forgetting to breathe. I guess I've never been good at dealing with deaths. Rocky holds a very special place in my life, and heart and losing him was really tough. It still is. 

Yesterday, I finally gathered myself up enough to ask where he was buried. Just knowing where it is, hurts me more because I couldn't walk two steps towards him. I couldn't move just remembering his very final moment with me. I really miss you, buddy. 

Timehops still shows a lot of your photos with us. How you were always sleeping at odd places, sneaking out and coming home dirty, your after-shower photos and even photos of you hovering our spaces. Gosh, is there like a support group for this?

Although the pain is tolerable, it's inevitable. Memories of you come in crashing waves. Sometimes a gentle reminiscence, but often times like a needle pinned through my heart. Maybe I'm wrapped with guilt, wanting to fix what I can't and hoping to go back in time to hold you once more. For what you've truly taught me, patience and a sense of motherhood.

How can I be made ready for it when I couldn't even handle this? That my heart is a pool of love and tenderness, that a small blimp breaks me. Am I learning what my strengths and weaknesses are? Yes. Through this loss and much more.

Rocky, I can't imagine not thinking of you. I cannot picture my life where there was no you in it. You had put my selfishness aside, and allowed me to pour my love and attention when nobody else wanted it. You were half of my world, and this emptiness still aches.

I hope you forgive me. I hope you've met with my grandparents and are keeping them accompanied. I hope you've also tagged along Mavis, Lily and Ted with you. Please look after them okay. Our times were short lived, and I guess you could help to take care of them now.

You're welcome to play with me in my dreams. I'll wait for you. :)

I love you sayang.