On Suicidal Ideation

If these were my last words: 

Please tell my mother
I am sorry

Please tell my father
That he is loved

Please tell my siblings
Stay strong, please

Tell everyone who called me their friend
Thank you for letting me in

Tell the ones who had once loved me more than himself
My love for you knows no end, it just stops growing

To the ones who inspired me to be better,
Thank you for existing

Please forgive me God.
I am sorry.

* * * *

SUICIDAL IDEATION:

"are thoughts about how to kill oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration and does not include the final act of killing oneself"

Tell Me What's Wrong:

My skin is a gallery of unhealed wounds
constantly touched by others who insisted
that I should have it fixed

I am a problem
people bring to discussion
because there is always a solution to everything

My body is full of scars of memories
scars of bullied days
scars of that one afternoon
that would then traumatised me for life

Don’t ask me what’s wrong;
I don’t know and I don’t want to talk about it

Listen to me when I said I don’t want to talk about it
because my mind is repeatedly trying to convince
itself that this too shall pass
I just needed time to let it go

You tell me to take my time
but do you see me standing at the edge of the cliff?
Yet you are constantly pushing me and
one more I know I will fall

My darling,
            My depression is trying to kill me
            and lately, I have little willpower to fight against it

It tells me to pick up the pills
and swallow them whole
It tells me to smash my head
until I can paint everything red
just the way it likes it
When I drive, it tells me
to slow down my brake response
so that I would run over the car in front of me

Is this what you wanted to hear?
That I see no point of living
when love is a heartache
and I feel safer in my own blanket
than the security of your arms?

I am not pushing you away
but my depression has built a wall
to protect me from the harm
of your misunderstood thoughts

I am trying to open the door
but my hands tremble
and I see my feet shatter before me

I pick them up
but my hands bleed
and still, you tell me to
“Get yourself together already”

Can’t you see I’m trying?
I am trying but the darkness is coming
and I can’t find the exit door now
So please bring me light
and stop knocking on my door
I can’t see

If this is a game for you
then, honey, you’ve won a long time ago

If you’ve never needed me then why are you still here?

Stop telling me to fix my brokenness
when that’s all I’ve ever known
I never wanted it fixed anyway

I just needed someone to understand
that like a broken vase
I am always a little too fragile even when I’m a piece once more

* * * *

Today is the World Suicide Prevention Day, I can safely say that I am here and still striving through life. Taking it one step at a time. Above are actual notes and poems I wrote on one of the many days I thought about ending my life. Honestly, there were times I just wanted everything to end because living was made so difficult to bear. I guess I found comfort when I thought about dying. 

Although I've never really attempted suicide, except about a couple of months ago, I had an unexpected flashback of me trying to overdose myself with ibuprofen (I consumed 8 pills within 3 hours). I didn't know how I completely wiped that off my memory. I guess my body is actively trying to protect itself from repeating the same mistake. 

I'm a wimp. I'd never come around to hurt myself when I know I'm already in so much pain. The pain has caused so much heartache, I sometimes believe I could die from an actual heartbreak. My body, mind, and soul are in a paradox. Sometimes I feel so much pain I feel so empty. Loneliness makes my heart ache but my fear of commitment, and also wanting to be loved never seemed to make sense to me. The craving for a kind of euphoric love, a future with someone yet not wanting to date anybody yet. But it is not all about relationship. I crave for a career so wildly exciting and motivating that I always picture my future brighter than it is today. But I don't get how it always gets gloomy. Sometimes I get so confused that I fall short of my decision. I often thought maybe death was the answer to all these. 

It's stupid how stupid I feel. 

But I am also stronger than all these. 

My feet always tremble every time I imagine seeing my own dead body surrounded by my family, especially my parents. My heart would pound so hard that it often feels like an awakening. If I'm lucky, I could hear a silent whisper in my ear telling me that Allah has better plans for me, I just need to wait and hold on for just a little longer. Sometimes God grants me an instant strength and willpower to overcome my desire. 

I am not strong on my own. I am strong because I have people around me that made me realise that I love them enough not to leave them before they leave me. I love them so much it would hurt me, even more, to see a single drop of tears from their eyes especially if the cause of their pain was me. I am strong because I believe that God has saved me more times than I would have ever known. I am strong because God keeps giving me chances to live more days than I could've ever hoped for. 

So no, I won't let any suicidal ideation win any of my days. If you are going through a similar situation, I pray you find light, and I pray you'll make it to the end of the day to wake up to better tomorrows. 

Don't write yourself off yet, only because others did.