I didn't realise how badly affected my parents were with my broken engagement until recently. I was so selfish to think this was all about me, that I was the only one hurting and going through the process of healing.
It took me almost 2 years to finally piece everything up. God, how more clueless can I be?
So maybe, right now, you're like... "wait, what, she was engaged?" and would start scrolling through my archive. Yes, I was engaged sometime in 2015 but it was short lived.
If you're a close friend of mine, you'd know well enough that I'm generally quite private with almost all of my relationships, so no one knew except my family that in the midst of hanging out with friends and working late, I was also busy preparing for my engagement, or that I had in fact been seeing someone.
The first time I brought him to meet my family was the same moment we told them that we decided to get married. I saw my dad's cheeks blushed, and my mom smiling from ear to ear. We got their blessings that instant. I guess it was the same when I met his parents too. Good things continued to unfold as time passed. Our families were gathered, happy and excited. Our families were celebrating for us. Everyone wanted to participate, in some ways. For me, bringing everyone together was enough sign that we were off to a good start.
I had requested for my engagement ceremony to be kept small, intimate and private. I asked only for relevant families and relatives to be invited. No friends. We shared our good news with our friends and others through social medias. Oh boy, did my phone explode. . .
My parents were supportive throughout my relationship. My mom took most of the arrangement, while my dad just stayed quiet in the background. Typical? I guess.
Of course, on photos, our ceremony seemed all yay! but in fact, my phone was buzzing the whole time, with my boss and senior management getting on my nerves. My work was taking up so much of me, that I was barely there. I didn't even get to thank those who came. (Sorry. . .)
Wedding preparations were all hard work and commitment. And since we planned to get married in the same year, there was much to do in so little time. We couldn't get everything prepared on time and decided to postpone for a few more months.
There were many unforeseen circumstances following our engagement. One of them was knowing that my brother had resigned from his job. A well-paid job. Being his guarantor for his car, I was collecting bad marks on my account for months. Due to all these facilities under my name, I was put in a bad spot financially. I was never able to get my loan, and that was taking a toll on me. Yes, I was going to finance my wedding all by myself.
Everything added up over time. This was what I wrote before:
Truth is, it's hard to explain how my relationship ended because it wasn't concrete enough to hold a marriage. My ex-fiancé was a wonderful guy, and earlier in our relationship, I had imagined us growing old together, and being each other's support system. I had plenty of wonderful thoughts about us and I'm sure that what we both had was true and real. Somehow months after the engagement, we started to drift into our own little world. My mind and my heart were not aligned, and I got so confused. I tried to share my thoughts and feelings with him because I wanted for us to work it out together and hopefully to find ways to make our foundation stronger. I felt like I was losing myself in the process of finding him, or finding us, or finding ways to overcome the trials and challenges of being engaged. We weren't communicating enough, but we were patient and I thought that was a bonus until I understood what that meant. We weren't being patient because we were both simply silencing and wrestling against our thoughts and fears of falling apart when we were already falling apart. Something broke between us, and we couldn't make each other happy. We came around to admit that we were not compatible because if we were, we wouldn't be so emotionally drained.
I was mad at him and at myself that I turned myself numb. It took four months until everything finally crashed on me and I cried for days. I felt a deep sadness that I hadn't felt in a long time. I was going through so much loss (engagement, job, and my grandmother) that I didn't know where to begin. I was grieving.
And then I felt relieved.
Yes, I like to tell my story in great detail, and I haven't even gotten to the main point of the post here. When I first told my mother that I couldn't stand how emotionally and painfully consumed I was with my relationship, she was supportive. My heart broke even more. My heart was broken for so many reasons; for quitting, for putting my parents in a very difficult spot, for shattering their hopes, for making everyone around me upset. I felt an immense amount of guilt following my breakup. I knew it was hard for my parents to endure it too, that it was them who had to sit down with his parents to settle things for once and for all, while I decided to fly off to save myself from more heartbreaks. When I came back, my dad finally understood why the decisions were made. Since then, it was always an attempt to set me up with someone. Likewise with friends too.
I had always assumed my dad meant what he said as a joke like he'd book a wedding hall, sponsor our honeymoon, pay for my wedding if he must and so on. I didn't realise those were all his hopes I had shattered. Those were his dreams. To see one of us, to see me in my wedding gown, to build a family with someone, to see me being taken care of. God, I could hear my heart cracked the moment I realised all these.
My mother had long assumed that there must've been something wrong with me. I don't know, sometimes I'm beginning to believe that. Every time we ran into someone, and asked the bonus question to my mother "bah, anakmu bila?" - my mother would whisper to the person that I used to be engaged. I had seen many people's faces changed. They were mostly sorry. My mom was mostly embarrassed. Sometimes people tried to make it better by saying that someone like me (judging by appearance) would find someone easily (hah, ok). But oh man, the spot that I put my parents in. Sigh.
From time to time, they'd randomly ask if I was seeing anyone yet, and I would just shrug my shoulders. I don't know how to explain it to them that I just couldn't bring myself to be with anyone. I felt like I've given so much of myself to people who didn't need it, and I have so little of me left. I am deep down just scarred and traumatised. Yet, I am thankful to have parents who are encouraging and supportive of me dating someone. Imagine having conservative parents heh!
I know it must be hard for my parents to sit with friends who'd talk about their kids getting married and so on, but learning from all these, marriage is not something I'd take very lightly. I always believe that maybe jodoh lambat because I still have to take care of my family. Allah knows best and this had been written for me after all.
I pray that Allah continues to bless my parents with good health and sustenance, so they'll always be there to be with me for every of my big moment. Wedding, first birth, second birth, third birth, fourth birth and so on. Ameen thumma ameen.
No comments:
Post a Comment