I FEEL TOO

These days, it's not uncommon to have someone encouraging you to voice out your thoughts or your opinion just so you can be heard. For a long time, I've remained silent because I was always told that I'm not supposed to talk about how I truly feel (not at work, at home or even with my friends sometimes). For someone who naturally feels a lot, choosing to stay silent sucks so I write, a lot. 

Someone once literally told me to just stop talking about the intensity of my emotions because it was uncomfortable. 

Then I learned to master the art of pretending like I am "OK". Any moment that I feel like I wanted to explore my feelings and emotion, I would be quick to snap out of it. Any moment of anger, frustration, sadness or even joy - I would just revert back to my "OK" mode. Nothing excites me and nothing hurts me are what I often portray on the surface. 

Sometimes, it overwhelms me and I fall into a deep dark hole. Sometimes, I stay there for a very long time and just cry my heart out. Sometimes, it's so painful I thought I could die from a natural heartbreak. 

I am not okay. 

I have an accumulated amount of frustration and anger towards my parents, it makes me cry.
I have been so angry at my brother, I want to punch him. 

I have felt a deep sadness from being ignored and not knowing the reason why, it makes me cry.

I have felt a deep sense of loneliness and really want to feel loved again, it makes me cry.

I have felt real heartbreak from losing and then loving someone who doesn't love me, it makes me cry.

I have been detached from my own power to voice out, it makes me cry.

I am not okay. 

I am not okay because I am not whole. I am not okay because I gave pieces of myself away and let others keep it and think that's the power they have over me. I am not okay because sometimes I am weak. I am not okay because I don't think I can ever stand up for myself. 

* * * * *

And yet, 

I was raised to say sorry even if it wasn't my fault. So I'm sorry for this post if it makes you uncomfortable. This is why I'm mad at my mom sometimes.