(courtesy of Witty_Feed)
Love, the way it stretches and crumples.
Although my first crush was a boy I was actively competing in class with when I was 7, but the first boy I had ever really fallen head over heels with was someone I met through Friendster about 10 years ago or so.
As open as I was about my feelings towards him, it has always been an unrequited love. An unspoken understanding that no matter how comfortable we both are with each other, no matter the chemistry and bond we've had, we would and could never be together. Ok, hold on.
We were briefly together. I was in London then, and he was in KL. If anything, as his girlfriend, I was a pain in the ass. I was so paranoid about losing him, about not knowing where he was, not hearing back from him, not being able to reach him on Skype that eventually led us to go our separate ways. We remained to be good friends. So good that all of the girls he dated never liked me, that the whole time he was in a relationship with someone, I did my part to stay as far away from him as possible, while I, also tried to find my own happy endings.
We didn't talk to each other for years, but I got so weak in the knees whenever I heard something about him; maybe a picture, or just him randomly popping on my timeline. I knew the feeling was never going to subside, that no matter how much I tried to shove it away, it'd come crawling back in. I guess that's what first love does to you.
Our definition of love varies from one person to another. My understanding is that when you truly love someone, that'll never really go away even if it means to not be in each other's lives anymore. Sometimes, when you love someone enough, you really do just want them to be happy, even if it means you're not in the picture.
Two years ago, he and I reconnected after years of silence. I've always felt a deep connection with him that I tend to feel uneasy when something didn't feel quite right. I reached out to him, only to find him in a very dark spot. We grew closer than we had ever been, and although our doors were both opened, we were just so vulnerable. You know that saying, if you loved something, let it go and if it comes back, it's yours to keep? Well, for a moment, I thought that was it.
Our feelings were not mutual, albeit admitting he too felt that we had a special bond.
I went on to date somebody else, he went on with his.
All of the above is beside my point.
I always wanted to know why all the girls he dated felt like I was invading his life when I never even wanted to take him away from his girlfriend. In fact, I was so supportive of his relationship and always hearing him out whenever he's facing some girl issues. I was being a friend. At least, that's from my own point of view.
This year, he and I stopped talking, stopped being friends, and stopped putting our noses into each other's lives. It required no explanation, he just disappeared and ignored my messages. For someone who'd known him for 10 years, I required no explanation.
This year, I also happened to meet someone. As much as I liked him, I was so easily put off by the fact that he was in a strangely comfortable friendship with his ex, who seemed to still have feelings for him, and yet he was fine with that. So they're both single, and they still hang out and talk and somehow that was a major dealbreaker for me. I couldn't wrap my head around dating someone, with another girl who is still obviously in love with him. Or maybe I just have trust issues.
It's so strange just to see how it reflected the person I was. I didn't realise that I was that girl, even though I had no intention of being in a relationship with him (the decade-long guy). That I just wanted to be one of his closest friends but maybe, you really don't become friends with your ex. Maybe it is still very weird for others, an almost uncomfortable situation.
I guess it's true that you meet people for a reason. To teach you to open your eyes, to let you inside your own home and notice all the mess.
A decade is a long time, and I'm just glad that I understood it better. He'll always have a place in my heart, I just don't have to continue giving him lights. Merely knowing he's happy is really just good enough for me.
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