My Depression is Silent

Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to walk on three ropes when I only have two feet. I'm carrying a weight of unspoken thoughts that seem to be haunting me lately. 

Some days I just float around and feel nothing, and then some days, I shatter before my feet could walk. My heart beats rapidly enough I want to rip my chest open and just take it off. I don't want to feel like this, but my depression is silent. 

It sucks to think that this world is so temporary but it's so damn hard to live in it. It's knowing that it's temporary that makes you wonder if it really is worth the fight. If it's going to end, then what's the point? Then again, who doesn't want to enter paradise? 

I guess my purpose is clear. It is not to be some successful career woman, with good fortune and happy family but it's to savor the broken bits of this all-pretense life. Maybe I'm not supposed to give all the love that I have for a man, but to my own family if it means that I have to care for it for my entire life. 

Many nights I fall asleep with tears on my pillow, and then I wake up forgiving you, and I pray that God forgives you too. If that's not love, I don't know what is. It's easy to dismiss people's effort to care and love for you because it's not valid if you can't see it, right? I know you never asked for me, or for us, and you dreamt of a life much grand than this - but perhaps, for once, instead of asking God to forgive you, I ask of Him to open your eyes and see us for who we truly are. That every day we forgive you for being a flawed human being and we have accepted you as is. I hope one day you can reciprocate. I hope I'll see you in Heaven and still call you my parents. 

Should I die before you, and if you happen to find my journals or this post, I want you to understand that your children hurt just the same way you do. That we suffer in silence, and that we try very hard to please you. And I know that there is an unspoken rule that we do not express our love verbally, but us coming home every night, and still being so close to you is love unspoken. Ask one of us how we are, instead of where we are. Ask us if we're happy, instead of giving us pieces of advice to make you happy. Call us, and tell us that you too cry in your sleep because you can't bear the thought of us getting hurt, or getting sick. Tell us, for once and for all, that we are more than enough and you too hope we'll see each other again in Heaven, as a family.