ADULTING, UGH

Being an adult is not easy, but it's not always that hard either. But as time passes by, I find myself becoming more afraid of taking risks because of all the commitments I've put myself in. 

I dreamt things would be exhilarating. Something about having the freedom, and the ability to make a decision for yourself. But decisions come with consequences, I guess. 

I've contemplated about a few things for a while now. I opened tabs after tabs, I read the requirements over and over again, and then I looked at myself. I looked at myself and I found nothing else but to shut the desire to proceed with it. These are the two things that made me question my self-worth and competency: 

1. Applying for jobs that I feel are beyond my qualification and skills

2. Taking Masters so I could fulfil the job requirements 

I think I have more than 7 years of working experiences inclusive of the years I worked voluntarily, as an internship and unpaid part-time jobs but in reality, I've only had about 4 years of experiences. It's always a question of how much I've acquired over those years, and how confident I am to apply for a senior level job. The previous company I was working at had promised me a managerial position if only I had stayed with them for a year, but I didn't like it there. I was also very sure that I wasn't qualified enough to be a Marketing Manager. 

I know. When I was in UBD, all I really wanted was to become one of the ARs. I don't want to seem ungrateful now that I am one, but it's also realising that maybe this is not a job for me. I'm not struggling with it but I just never liked how stagnant I feel here. I've been trying to understand if this feeling is because I've had such a fast-paced and demanding jobs before, and it drastically just mellowed down. My motivations have been dropping slowly and I'm trying to find something that could excite me once more. 

The problem, however, is that I'm too scared to apply for other jobs because I couldn't measure my skills and capabilities. I feel underqualified, and lacking in expertise. I used to be so confident about what I could do because I believed that I was a fast learner and that I don't exactly need a qualification in it to prove that I was capable. I'm not sure why I've been overthinking it lately.

So, that brought me to the second part. 

I thought maybe I should do my Masters, so it'll open doors for me except I never really did very well for my degrees. I wanted to apply for international scholarships but "excellent academic records" just intimidated me so much. I wasn't born with the intellectual capability. Smart and hard-working, yes and maybe but smart-intelligent-excellent-academics? Nah. I failed painting, remember? My A'level was pretty shit too, no jokes. Sometimes, it makes me wonder if things would be different .. if only.. I had accepted that offer from UBD... I would probably have an MA in Management by now, and it would've sufficed. Instead, I spent 2 gruelling years working to my bones. 

So, 

I don't know where to go from here. I don't know where I am on the scale. And I don't know if I should even try, and if I did, would I be able to handle rejections? 

When you're an Adult, you sort of just want more but getting there is hard. Sometimes, you'd have to sacrifice giving up a lot of your dreams because that's just what Adults do. We do things that we feel is right, although it doesn't always end up with joy. 

In spite of all these, I promise that I will be better than I am today. I will achieve something. If it's not these, it will be better. Please hold on to my promise, and if I forget, remind me. 

I won't be a story worth telling, but I am going to make this life worthwhile.