Living More

Hi,

It has taken me a while to finally come around to write a post. I kept telling myself, "I don't want another sad post" because I seem to portray myself so well with it. I am a spectrum of emotions and it's just so much easier to write when you're sad. The pain lingers much longer and I need an outlet, a way to release it. So I write. 

I don't have a happy news. 

This year, my health has deteriorated faster and I despise having to blame it on age. I am only 27! I should be at my healthiest state, or healthier. I got my fever so early in the year, I was wrong to assume that maybe my immune system had finally rebooted and I was set to go for the year of my life. Blah! By the second month, I was once again in the doctor's office but this time, with a different condition. 

It scared me enough I thought I was coming to the end of my life. 

My doctor diagnosed me with a minor inflammation in my head, so I was put on a week long's medication. There was no way to describe the pain correctly, other than to say "I got this on and off electric-shock like, jolting or pinching kind of pain at the back of my head. It lasted for a few seconds, but happened so often within in an hour. I couldn't sleep at night or concentrate on work because of it." The pills worked wonder, except now that I'm off it... I couldn't tell if it has completely subsided. It frightened me to hear when the doctor said that she would refer me to the neurological department should it comes back again. 

I have been really stressed out lately. Especially due to work. 

I'm trying to get everything done in a timely manner, but there's this unrealistic set of deadlines that I couldn't seem to achieve. I got so hard on myself so quickly that I kept blaming my incompetency to manage my work efficiently. I run on very little sleep and rest over the last 3 months. 

My head still hurts, but it's not the same pain. My chest feels so congested that I'm always having trouble breathing. I can't sleep at night, and can't stay awake during the day. I'm so exhausted but what I'm more frustrated with is the fact that, I've been so busy with tasks that don't benefit me in terms of my career development. Everything becomes so meaningless so quickly. 

I don't hate my job, but I don't love it either. 

Today, I got served a reminder to just slow down my life for once. 

While transporting Awang Jubli aka AJ from UTB to Radisson this morning, I almost got run over twice. So close that if I hadn't been so quick to respond, I would've ended up in a car accident. That was the very last photo taken of me before I left UTB. 

AND WHAT IF IT REALLY WAS MY LAST PHOTO? 

So many thoughts ran through my head: Did I see and talk to my parents lately? Have I told anyone I've loved and cared for them deeply? Are my cats well fed? Have I seen my friends and cousins too? Who were the people I last talked with? Has my life been meaningful? Have I done enough deed? Oh my God, I've sinned so much in this life. Will God forgive me? 

Perhaps I've spent way too much time on work, and I hate it so much. I know well enough that at the end of the day, what makes me most happy is to be with the people I love. And that's at home. I am only 27 after all. How much have I done really in this life to ever say that I've lived? 

I need to live more. To make the most of time with something more fulfilling. I don't want to spend over half of my day or an entire week dedicated to work because we have to show our commitment and dedication. I don't want to regret the time I've wasted and only to realise it when it's too late. 

It had occurred to me once, so what if it's a growth? a tumour?

and all these while, I've kept myself so busy with work and then next thing I knew, I'd just be bedridden and trying to get myself treated? Sigh. I really hope people could understand why it's so important for me to ignore work messages after working hours. 

Would that make a good last photo of me? Just the fact it was me, at work? :(