I lay in bed, head resting on my pillow and my body faced towards the wall. I was gone for a moment, jumping back to any memory my mind had chosen for me to remember that night; when I saw you the first time after months apart, the way my face rested on her warm palm, the sweetness of a genuine laughter, the ache I felt when I lost my cat, the echoes of my mom's voice, my flight to Barcelona, the many occurrences of sleep paralysis - just so many memories I couldn't find ways to let go. Some sweet, some bitter but mostly painful.
Do you ever wonder how many times you've been replayed in someone's memory? Like they just sit there and have a sudden thought of you but then, it's so transient that they don't even remember thinking about you. It's like we have an intermission in our mind. Maybe it's like daydreaming.
I used to want to write down every single time I think about a particular person. I found out that I think about people more times than I should in a day, but all I could do at that moment was to go to their Instagram account to see what they're up to. Sometimes you see a lot of quotes on the Internet saying that you should always tell people when they're on your mind, or when you miss them but really, life is so complex that it's easier to stay silent about it. Even with all these technologies, we are still not communicating enough.
If you're a big fan of Black Mirror as I am, one of my first favorite episodes was S01E03 - The Entire History of You, where the characters implanted a "grain" behind their ear, which allowed them to record everything they see and hear. They could also revisit and replay these memories.
I think our brain is so intriguing, the way we could restore and remove thousands of information on a daily basis. Except that, how much of what remember is true? Our memories may be fragmented and constantly distorted, that we actually have the power to alter them too. Sometimes as a coping mechanism, we find ways to make a memory bearable, if not completely vanished, but it's always the painful ones that linger the longest.
It's hard to remember a happy moment because joy and happiness are ephemeral. They come and go very quickly. You remember it as an emotion that is good, but it's harder to remember the exact factor that drives you to feel that emotion. That's when Instant Gratification sort of just swoops in. "We buy things we don't need with the money we don't have." Human nature. This is why shopping is a therapy because it reduces stress and it induces all the feel-good chemicals like dopamine. Sad to break it but the effect is not that long-lasting. Then we do all sort of things to keep the chemicals running like posting it on Instagram and refreshing our feed to see how many likes we've got.
I'm not going to lie, I've been in this position too. I know what it's like to crave validation from people I don't even know. I wanted to be liked because I thought that's how I measured my self-worth. I was wrong. I also used to buy so many things because I thought I should have them to fill up the gaps in my life, but I was also wrong.
I think it's still strange the way writing works. I wanted to write about something completely different, but now I don't even know what I'm about. I guess that's my brain, everybody.
These days, I just want to take things slow. Savour the day, and find meaning in little things like how important it is to rest and be still for a moment. To breathe deeply and to listen more. To be content and grateful for what I have and what I lack. And my memories? I guess that's all I have for now. Good, Bad, Painful or Euphoric. Because honestly, one thing that I used to fear was waking up and not remembering who I am, and not having any memory of my past at all. Especially memories of the people I loved.
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