I wrote this about you the night I realised my feelings for you - March 2019.
We had known each other for four years then, long enough to say that we were quite comfortable with each other's presence. I didn't see you as often as I wished I could so anytime I got to see you were always so meaningful and memorable. You took me to places and I was never disappointed.
I felt safe around you, and I almost believed you were the one. I always kept your name in my prayers, hoping God would shed some light and things would work out between us. I used to be so sure about how you felt towards me, but I made some choices in the past to understand that I couldn't possibly deserve someone like you. I admired you. I admire your confidence, wisdom, and charm, and somehow I really really wanted you to be the one for me. I did. Sigh.
It's been almost 2 years since I wanted to write this post. I couldn't write it because I was too scared that I could hurt someone else's feelings. Yet, I've been trying to heal from the pain that I was going through that I got too scared to talk about it. I didn't want it to be the reason for me to lose something that is currently good in my life right now, so I buried everything and hoped that I would someday just forget about it.
But who am I kidding? I couldn't move on from losing someone I have cared for years in a blink. It was easier for you because you had your reasons, but you ghosted me and left me wondering for months and years. Things turned sour so quickly. From you giving me the hope of publishing a book together, to suddenly ignoring all my messages without any explanations. I was so lost, and it hurts me so much just how stupid it made me feel. I kept apologising for things I was unsure of. I kept trying to reconnect with you but I was only left on read. It made me wonder why you hadn't blocked me yet. Did you want me to contact you and begged my way to forgiveness? But what am I sorry for?
I felt like a bad person, even if I tried so hard to keep myself down low so I wouldn't cause trouble or make noises. I made so many mistakes in the past that I've never been more cautious with how I react to situations. I say less, and do less just so I could slowly learn to detach myself from the world. I had several depressive episodes because of how you treated me. I was in such a dark place, I never knew a person could make me feel this way. I cried so many nights, and I felt so stupid for the feelings I accumulated for someone unworthy of my time, emotions, and mental space. I guess it hurts because I dreamt of a future with you - I saw you, and us together and that exact moment was when I made myself believe you were the one. It was very random, because it just happened in a moment while you were driving me, and it was raining then you smiled. Outside felt chaotic, yet I was in peace with you. It was a beautiful yet brief moment that all I wanted to do was hold you. I thought those were the kind of moments people talked about when you ask them how they know their partner was the one. I guess I was wrong. I guess it has to be more magical than just the rain and a smile.
My last tear for you was probably the night I sent you my last text. It took me hours to compose it, without sounding desperate. I thought after keeping myself distant for a year would make you change your mind but you still wouldn't talk to me. It was rude but I finally felt relieved just how more accepting I was to the fact that you will continue to become a stranger, and the silence between us will keep stretching us apart. There will come a day that I won't miss you anymore. I will continue to pray for God to remove you from my heart and mind, and to accept the reality that I can't always get closure.
This marks the end of your presence in my life. If we were ever to cross paths again, I hope I can offer you a smile or two, without hearing a crack in my heart. For now, I would start dimming the lights on you.
* * * *
Treating those who had hurt you with compassion, kindness, and an open mind is not something anyone could do. I am glad I am one of those people who could still do that and learn to forgive the past. It's probably naive to do so, but the world is so temporary that what's the point of letting another person suffer over silly mistakes.
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