I thought I would write this post when I finally land a new job, but it seems like that's not happening any time soon.
It's not a secret that I've been hoping to get out of my current job so I could venture into new fields or finally feel that I've progressed career-wise. I've been in my current job for 5 years yet I don't think I've accomplished anything at all. It's daunting to update my resume when there is nothing to be proud of or speak highly about when really, all I do is sit in front of a computer, do minutes and draft letters, and nothing more. I feel embarrassed to talk about work, and most of the time it just feels like I'm being ungrateful.
I am very determined to leave my job this year. Somehow, I have a very strong feeling that it could happen. I am so burnout from work that I can no longer find any excitement or passion for things I used to love doing. Most of the time, I am just so exhausted. I am at the extreme end of the burnout spectrum. I didn't realise this until I noticed how bad my anxiety has become.
About three months ago, I got called for an interview. I worked extremely hard for it and I even visited the office to see how things were like. That was how badly I wanted a new job. Not this job specifically but anything to get me out. I haven't been in an interview in five years and preparing for that really made me nervous and I was doing all these little things to my body that I didn't realise were merely my anxiety. Biting my nails, pinching myself, pulling out my eyelashes, and grinding my teeth. Catching my breath was the worse part. I was so anxious, so nervous that I screwed it all up. I tried to stay calm and took my time to answer the questions, but the silence and me staring at the ceiling hoping there were answers just made me look foolish. I tried to make it sound like I was confident with my answers when at the back of my mind, I was constantly bashing myself. I knew the answers to all their questions the moment I left the room. Why?!
I still waited and prayed to hear something good, although I knew it was never going to come. It was a refreshing experience, nonetheless. It does give me hope that somehow I managed to get myself to that point of the recruitment process. A decent notification on an unsuccessful interview would've been good, but somehow this is just not the common practice.
If you're wondering why I wanted to leave my job so badly - it's because I was too scared to do it five years ago. I thought I would have loved this job, but the first time I unintentionally burst out in tears at my boss' office was the moment I realised that place was not a good fit for me. I have had the worst bosses in my previous jobs, but I had gained more from them in such a short period of time than how I had been in the last five years. I have never felt so stuck, and stagnant in my life. And I never felt so small. If I could shrink myself further, I probably would. That's how it feels like carrying this job. I am grateful for it every day, I just am not happy with the person I've become.
I'm still holding on to that small piece of light, and I have hope that I will get out of this eventually. If you know of any vacancies or job openings, please do let me know. If there's any way that you can help me polish my resume and CV, to make it seem like I've done a legit job in the last five years, please find your way to my e-mail and get the conversations going. Here's to light and hope 💪
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