On Finding New Paths

I thought I would write this post when I finally land a new job, but it seems like that's not happening any time soon. 

It's not a secret that I've been hoping to get out of my current job so I could venture into new fields or finally feel that I've progressed career-wise. I've been in my current job for 5 years yet I don't think I've accomplished anything at all. It's daunting to update my resume when there is nothing to be proud of or speak highly about when really, all I do is sit in front of a computer, do minutes and draft letters, and nothing more. I feel embarrassed to talk about work, and most of the time it just feels like I'm being ungrateful. 

I am very determined to leave my job this year. Somehow, I have a very strong feeling that it could happen. I am so burnout from work that I can no longer find any excitement or passion for things I used to love doing. Most of the time, I am just so exhausted. I am at the extreme end of the burnout spectrum. I didn't realise this until I noticed how bad my anxiety has become. 

About three months ago, I got called for an interview. I worked extremely hard for it and I even visited the office to see how things were like. That was how badly I wanted a new job. Not this job specifically but anything to get me out. I haven't been in an interview in five years and preparing for that really made me nervous and I was doing all these little things to my body that I didn't realise were merely my anxiety. Biting my nails, pinching myself, pulling out my eyelashes, and grinding my teeth. Catching my breath was the worse part. I was so anxious, so nervous that I screwed it all up. I tried to stay calm and took my time to answer the questions, but the silence and me staring at the ceiling hoping there were answers just made me look foolish. I tried to make it sound like I was confident with my answers when at the back of my mind, I was constantly bashing myself. I knew the answers to all their questions the moment I left the room. Why?!

I still waited and prayed to hear something good, although I knew it was never going to come. It was a refreshing experience, nonetheless. It does give me hope that somehow I managed to get myself to that point of the recruitment process. A decent notification on an unsuccessful interview would've been good, but somehow this is just not the common practice. 

If you're wondering why I wanted to leave my job so badly - it's because I was too scared to do it five years ago. I thought I would have loved this job, but the first time I unintentionally burst out in tears at my boss' office was the moment I realised that place was not a good fit for me. I have had the worst bosses in my previous jobs, but I had gained more from them in such a short period of time than how I had been in the last five years. I have never felt so stuck, and stagnant in my life. And I never felt so small. If I could shrink myself further, I probably would. That's how it feels like carrying this job. I am grateful for it every day, I just am not happy with the person I've become. 

I'm still holding on to that small piece of light, and I have hope that I will get out of this eventually. If you know of any vacancies or job openings, please do let me know. If there's any way that you can help me polish my resume and CV, to make it seem like I've done a legit job in the last five years, please find your way to my e-mail and get the conversations going. Here's to light and hope 💪

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2016, Today

My office, February 2015

This particular post has been heavy on my mind, and I've been carrying this weight over my shoulders for over a month that I believe it's time I let it off my chest and stop others from making further false assumption on what had happened.

January was a lot to process that every time someone heard the news, I had no choice but to go through the ride all over again. I kept quiet for a long time because I didn't want people to feel sorry, because I believe in what's been written for me and what I needed more was support and understanding. 

The first thing that happened in January was the cancellation of the wedding, and the break-up. There are two sides to every story, and whatever you have heard and from whomever, please validate them with me before spreading it to people who don't even know me. Only because I don't post anything on my social network does not mean I am not hurting, or by all mean unaffected. We parted ways on a mutual agreement, and that's all I can say. I got hurt a lot more when people started to open up and telling me things I was too blind to notice before, and up until today the heartache it caused is still so very fresh that I believe it was really for the best. 

The second thing that happened was being told that the project I've been overseeing has been discontinued due to the current economy, and so my service was no longer required. I was told to either wait for my termination letter, or to submit a resignation letter. They gave me 29 days to complete everything, and leave. Being a part of the project for two years, I understood what it meant to have a prudent spending, or having our budget tightened so downsizing what is already a small division was rather shocking, of course. I think what upset me most was the forced resignation. 

Recently I was at our finance office for some work errands, and not having submitted my resignation letter yet, it surprised me when one of the officers told me that my "last" paycheck will be on hold until I do my clearance. I asked her to clarify what she meant by "last" and what she might have heard since there's really no black & white to prove that I was leaving. I had never been more pissed than I was on that day because she was told that I had made a mistake to cause my contract to be terminated. What is it that I am not aware of? If I really had committed a huge damage to our project, I think I would appreciate more honesty from my team than being told otherwise. For two years, I dedicated so much of my time and energy for work, that anything thrown at me, I only had the choice to keep moving forward and be patient. I would never play fire with fire. I never said anything with how I was treated because I believe in running my responsibility since that was all that mattered. I hardly even brought up my personal life into work, or even opening up to my team that at some point, I've gotten so depressed and I was close to losing it. If it wasn't because of my faith in God, I wouldn't be here today. 

And again, if it wasn't because of my faith in God, The Almighty - I wouldn't be thankful that these all happened to me. I believe there are blessings behind these tragedies, and that's the reason why I don't seem to be so overwhelmingly upset over it. Yes, I am hurting, but my faith is greater than my frustration and this is why I don't want you to be sorry for me. I would be more grateful if you could in any way help me to find a job, or have me in your prayers. 

But most importantly, I hope we all can learn to be more kind to one another. To stop making false assumptions about other people. I want us to always remember, only because they never talked about it, doesn't mean they're not struggling with something. Perhaps some just prefer to make conversations directly with God. Please believe more in God, and believe in seeing the positive outcome of the trials we're being put in. Insya Allah, we will all make it through with His Guidance. 

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