When you met someone who spoke all of your love languages, you began to set the standards quite high for everyone else who tried. This may be useless to bring up but sometimes I would go through my box of letters, postcards, cards, and randomities only to feel like someone cared for me enough to do things that they wouldn't normally do for someone else.
I enjoy being reassured. Although it may not seem like it, I do have insecurities and when someone tells me that they're proud of me, that they know I can go far, and consistently showing their support for the things I do, I bloom. I used to have these people in my life and I'm always thankful for their effort to keep me happy. I pray that they are well.
There's this question that often lingers in my mind - "how much do you exist in someone's life?"
Oftentimes, it saddens me when you would only realise when the person is no longer in your life. You could feel the space that was once filled by their existence, and it turns into pain. My cousin passed away sometime last year and it was quite unexpected although she had been sick for a while. It was then I realised the role that she had played in our lives. She would always text in the group chat, and the group just became so quiet after she got admitted and even more so after she left. We always talked about how nice it would be to have her around during certain occasions and moments in our lives and I still remember the last time I held her in my hands and said my farewell. I was so sorry for misunderstanding her sometimes and how seldom I would come to visit. My heart was so heavy because I finally felt the weight of the space that she had accumulated in my life.
I had friends who had departed from my life, yet they were also the people who always made me feel good about myself. It's always the little things like checking in, bringing you out for lunch or dinner, asking about your day, listening to your rants but I never really had friendships that last. I have trust issues and when that trust is betrayed, I tend to distance myself but would still be able to talk to that person. Some friends just drifted away because life happens and some friends just cut ties with me because of my trust issue. It's a little hard to lose your support system but it also gives you the space to grow for yourself. It is always when that person no longer exists in your life, you begin to measure and define what they meant to you. I would fight for something that's worth fighting for but at the same time remind myself that everything is impermanent especially your connection to someone.
Honestly, I don't know how much I exist in someone's life and sometimes I sort of want to die just to find out. I know well enough that I don't really mean very much to many people because you could just see how much better they are without me. Do I ever cross their mind? Maybe not. Do they still cross my mind? Yes. When I open the box of letters and randomities, I would still find letters or cards from my exes and I would begin to cherish the efforts that they made just for me and I hope they would do the same for their current partner. Romantic gestures are still trending and they should not stop after marriage or when you have a child. I would totally recommend writing your partner a letter or sending them a random e-mail just to show them that you were thinking about them. Or perhaps, you should find out what their love languages are. This is also a reminder for me.
Anyway, I don't really know how to end this post. I just thought of writing something to make myself feel better and I don't really know if anyone would read it. And once again, probably just sending a gentle reminder to show someone that you care!
Stay safe and until then. Please take care !
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