Year of Consistencies

 

Hi. 

Has it really been a while since I last wrote? For so many reasons, I was very hesitant to write again but anyway, I'll give it a try. 

How was your 2021? For me personally, it was tolerable. Work really got me to my bones and I was extremely burnout that I was lowkey thankful for the partial lockdown that happened from August-November 2021. It gave me time to rest, albeit pulling more hours working but at least I didn't have to rush to work each morning. On the plus side, I got to see my niece every single day and any time throughout the day. She's truly a blessing. 

My burnout gave me so many reasons why I wanted to leave my current workplace. I understand that many people would prefer if I was more grateful for my job, but I wished others could understand why leaving was the better option. I wrote about an interview that I thought didn't go so well, but Allah is All-Knowing and He surely is the best planner after all. Alhamdulillah, I have been offered a permanent job in the Government Sector. This was the highlight of my 2021. Those who didn't know this fact, I have been working for a temporary position for over 5 years, and I can only receive one salary increment every 3 years or when my term gets renewed. With all the burnout and mental turmoil that I felt last year, it was not worth fighting for. 

I didn't really do much in 2021 because I really did not have the energy and I was just so exhausted all the time. I looked at my photos and realised that it felt like I'd lost that "glow" where I always looked so dull in pictures, and that made me feel insecure about myself. 

Life is pretty lonely and quiet on my end. Grateful that I still have at least one person I can share my day with, but friends had started to drift away and somehow they didn't want to be in a group anymore. It's sort of awkward when your friends were better off in a group than having to communicate with them individually. I'm trying to create new connections with other people but I just didn't feel like keeping up with anyone at the moment. 

To conclude 2021, I just thought December was the most meaningful out of it all. In previous years, I would spend many nights in December dealing with my random depressive episodes and very dark moments as I gathered all my emotions and tried to begin the new year with a better mental state. However, last year I was quite spoiled with parting gifts and just receiving that much attention made me feel slightly better about myself. I hadn't felt the slightest sadness about leaving my job and I'm not sure if that's normal. Since I had to submit a 3-month notice, I won't be able to start working at my new workplace until March this year, and I am currently clearing off 76 days of leave before I permanently leave my current job. 

... and here we are, two weeks into January and the year 2022. 

My maid had decided to leave ahead of her contract because of a "family" thing, and this was not good news to me. I admit I come from a privileged family, and I am so used to having a helper that days are going by so slowly these days. Although my maid wasn't that excellent at her job, at least, I was very thankful for how much she had helped me to maintain the cat house on daily basis. It's not that I am not capable of doing it myself, but the anxiety that it gives me on daily basis is starting to freak me out. I am also trying to understand the reason for my anxiety because I know that I am capable of handling the chores, but there is something that wouldn't let my mind be at ease. Well, it's only been a week now - other than the constant back pain and sore legs,  I am spending more time with all my cats. 

I don't really keep a resolution because I don't want to give that much pressure on myself, especially when at the end of it, I realise that I got nothing done so I just hope this year I can be more consistent with whatever it is that I have stopped doing such as reading, exercising, saving and so on. Being consistent is better than waiting for when I feel motivated to do something because let's just be honest, I am always demotivated to do anything. Lol. I am also trying not to be hard on myself if some days, I just want to take things easy and let the day just be. I get that when I go on socials, I see so many people who are doing that extra mile and who seem to be doing a thousand times better than I do, but I am living in my own bubble that my pace may be slower than others, but eventually, we'll get there anyway, right? So I'm still going at my own pace, in my own lane. Who cares what 31 or 32 should be - what matters is that you feel good about where you are and the things that you do. 

I am a person who enjoys good energies and I find that energies are so important so this year - I am manifesting on that good thought, good energy, and good vibe. Hopefully, my new workplace will bring me just that! I wish I could talk more about where I'll be heading or what field I will be venturing into but there's not much I could say about it now. 

Well, I wish this blog was better structured but I was just going with the flow. It's probably not a good piece, but I thought I'd share an update or two. 

So here's to a year of being consistent and showing up - even when you don't have the motivation to do it. I also hope this year we can travel safely again, because I am so in need of a vacation, and to be with the people who matter most to me. 

I am going to end this here. 

Until then. Happy 2022.