Melancholia

 

(Loving Vincent, 2017)

If there's anything that I've consistently been doing, it's crying without apparent reason. It's that deep sadness that aches me. It's this uncertain loneliness when I'm not particularly lonely. 

Is it melancholia? Is it depression again? 

I am trying to be gentle with myself. I tried to bring myself into a conversation - mindfully dissecting my emotions and validating them. 

Yesterday, I burst into tears in the middle of work. Perhaps I've been hard on myself, stressing over my lack of productivity at work despite having plenty to do. It's not that I didn't want to do it - I just didn't know where to begin. I pressured myself to produce results.

On the other hand, I googled why it always seemed like I am seeking validation.  For years, I tried to convince myself that I, myself, am enough. I don't require external validations - but I know that this is my inner-child screaming for me to treat the wound. I grew up trying so hard to please my parents, and by giving them what they wanted, I got rewarded and praised. My parents would feel proud, albeit temporarily. I yearned to be validated. I yearned for praises and approval. I wanted to be enough. So when things didn't go the way they wanted it to be, I became nothing but a constant subject of complaints. It became one of the most painful periods of my life. 

I put a lot of effort and thoughts into the things that I do, in general, because let's be honest, sometimes I am a people pleaser. When instead of feeling appreciated, you get knocked down by a list of what went wrong - it's easy to just crumble again. All that effort felt so wasted and maybe I made a mistake somewhere somehow. 

So I told myself, at this present moment ... I feel small, and that I have shrunk myself again. I have to allow this sadness to pass and let the stormy days do what it needs to do. Because surely, even when the darkness wraps you up at night, it will be bright again. I know this because I took the time to observe the sunrise this morning. I took the time to breathe. I took the time to look up, close my eyes and let the wind gently blow on my face. 

That's my rant for today. Thanks for reading anyway.