2023

 

Wow. 2023 unfolded in a way that I could never expected it to be. 

Prayers were made, and prayers were heard but the circumstances given were beyond what I'd hoped for. 

Some moments still felt like they happened yesterday, but most days I tried to move forward still hopeful that better things would come. How was it in January, I got summoned to the management office to be told that there were complaints about me? For "joking around" with colleagues but was told that I was being disrespectful to those who'd been there longer than me. I honestly couldn't comprehend it until now. I became so conscious and wary at work, that I almost didn't want to talk or engage with anyone unless I had to. 

Most days I feel extremely demotivated about coming to work. The workload itself has been manageable, but it's the environment and the people that haven't been the best part of it. In April, we were reshuffled and I would've never expected to be assigned to work in Temburong. When I got called to the Director's office, as she explained to me the reason why I was assigned there, I completely zoned out. I felt lost, uneasy, and unsure of what just happened. It felt like all the things that I've worked hard for that previous year went to waste. I thought I was just getting started, but then I was starting all over again. Being in the Temburong office meant different KPIs, projects, and a bigger team to manage. Most of it, I was never quite familiar with, It took me a while to get used to commuting and adjusting with my new team. I went from a team of 3 to a team of 7. I went from working within budget to working on 11-12 programs per year. I still have days where I cried from physical and mental exhaustion just from work. 

Financially, I thought I'd be able to make drastic improvements in the way I'd spend money. Unfortunately, I'm still living paycheck to paycheck. It's not that I have bad spending habits, it's just that things are getting more expensive, and with the whole commuting, I'm spending more on fuel and maintaining my car. 

A couple of months ago... my maid didn't return from her "leave". 

Although I was hesitant at first, she insisted that she had to go back to sort out her family matter. I gave her 10 days of leave and even sorted all her travel arrangements. I waited for her at the airport, but she never showed up. This broke me. With no maid, there would be no one to take care of the cats if I was away. I was so angry, that I spammed my maid's facebook account until she blocked me, and of course, I kept making new accounts to bombard her page with all my rage. We were never hard on her, in fact, I felt as if she was overpaid and she had way too much time to nap for hours every day. With this, I used up all my savings to get a new maid. But even so, I still encountered issues dealing with agents and ended up paying more than I should. Ugh, I hate all this adulting stress. 

Least to say, financially... I am currently broke. Even with my performance bonus, I still have to pay the remaining fee to the agent (cause she made me take a maid who was beyond the fee I agreed upon), paying things for the house like garbage collection services, groceries, rentals, and especially getting my cats' food and litter every month. 

My main goal has always been finding a career that pays well, and at the same time, mentally fulfilling for me. I'm not a lazy bum, so it's never about finding an easy job. It's about finding a career that I feel would have a positive impact on me personally and the community that I am working in/with. I don't think I found that yet this year, so I am still very hopeful that better things are coming in 2024. 

On personal growth, 

Well... 

I've tried my best to survive. I guess I've survived a lot privately this year. I learned how my traits and behaviors have affected the people that I care for and how much I've stepped out of my own comfort zone. How there were so many times, I stared at my trembling hands, I felt all my thoughts colliding against one another, I forgot how to breathe and my whole entire body just ached from tension. In a lot of ways, I've also learned how wounded I am from my childhood trauma, and how much I needed someone to recognize the reason why I feel so emotionally sensitive, and why I react to situations the way I normally do. I tried my hardest to change so I could be a better person to everyone around me. Somehow, it made me wonder how much I resisted being angry at all. I get upset but I don't ever let myself burst into anger. I wonder if I do, would I even recognize myself? Even if growth is not too drastic this year, I would like to believe I've made some progress. 

I spent 6 days in the hospital this year, where most days I couldn't even leave the bed. I could still recall the journey from the ward to the operating room, how I watched the lights flicker above me, and how the doctors and nurses were trying to explain to me the whole procedure. The whole 2-3 hours I was out felt like the best sleep I've ever had in my entire life. Then the next 3 months of recovery felt like hell to me. In fact, I haven't even fully recovered up until today. 

I've also traveled a little this year. Some were good, some I wished I could rethink the whole trip. But I traveled by myself for the first time in a while last month. I did meet with a few friends along the way, but most of the time I was by myself. Felt strange at first, but I allowed myself to immerse in the anxiety and uncertainties and just went with the flow. I took my time, I talked to strangers and I felt good in my own body. I really can't wait to do it all over again. 

On personal relationship, 

Well....I've always been a private person, so I don't think there's much I can share here. I am happy where I am, and I don't really want to pursue anything or anyone or reciprocate advances because I don't really need it right now.  

So I guess that's it for 2023. Same old story, just older.