I tried to keep it together for months, but my body gets heavier to carry and I don't know how much longer I could pretend like I'm okay.
I haven't been okay. It's not like I haven't felt this pain before, and it's not like I haven't healed from it too but the more I tried to treat my wounds, the more it opened up. I don't know if I could heal from all of these.
Lately, it's just the thought of wanting things to end. I've come to terms that I'm too much of a people pleaser that I kept wanting to care for people's feelings and then adding more weight to my shoulders. I know that I am allowed to be selfish and choose the path that would be better for me mentally, and emotionally. I just want to keep brushing off the thought that dying would be my only option.
Things can get very dark in my head. I'm so exhausted from apologising and then continuously blaming myself for hurting other people. I want this exhaustion to end. I want to stop feeling tired, I want to stop crying at night, I want this pain to stop and I want to stop asking God to take my life simply because I hate the situation that I am in right now.
Taking myself out of social media was supposed to be better for my mental health, but the reality that I am in right now is something that I wish I could deactivate myself from. I thought life would improve with a new job, and moving forward with it but I hate my job, I hate the toxic work culture and I hate that it's someone's feeling that I have to care and respect them when they don't even give a shit how that ended up making me feel.
My coping mechanism at the moment is just to sleep, and spend the money that I don't have. I wanted to read more, write more, and finish whatever I've started, but I am so exhausted that I let my depression just take me over. I didn't set a goal for the new year, I didn't want to have a resolution, because I don't know if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm at the peak of giving up but I am also fighting against it, and trying to have more faith in myself. So I am writing this post, to remind myself that even though I am at my lowest, and my most vulnerable state, I shall rise again and when I do... this will remind me that I carry a strength amid the heaviness that I thought I could not carry by myself. Pain and suffering are part of growth after all.
Genuinely speaking,
ReplyDeleteI would love to talk with you in person, I really do. Trying to have a good sip of a tea or coffee by the river or sea underneath the bridge on a sunny sunday afternoon with the wind blows to our face as we talk more about life and what's really bothering you. I understand that you are not in the good state and I deeply deeply wish that you're doing great despite your move in recent months.
The only way I can talk to you is through here, trying to let you know that there is always someone who are trying to get to know you, see you from a mile on the quarter side of the road and wish to talk to you in person.
Whatever happened in your office, you're doing well and I'm proud of you.
-A76