What would you do if someone from your past suddenly decided to contact you, spilling out things that you didn’t want to hear but all they wanted to do is to move on?

So I sat down with someone last night. I had one too many crazy thoughts going through my mind whenever I’m alone, and that seems to happen quite often lately. I really needed a friend to talk to and I just had to say it all out loud – after one and a half year of being in this miserable state.

I’ve lost the appetite to eat, to get up and what more to do anything else but lying down on the floor, in the dark and just listening to music that was killing me one cell at a time. I feel suffocated, anxious and sick to my stomach from all these feelings that I wanted so badly to get rid of. I don’t know, I could read back on all my self-compassion notes and still be confused on whether to just admit that this is a common suffering or to suppress my emotions and pray that it too shall pass.

Nothing has passed.

I would’ve assumed the mature thing to do is to talk things out and find some sort of a closure, even if neither of us is really into that idea. Perhaps there are those who find closure faster, but then there’s me. My feet are stuck to the ground, as I watch every thing around me moves faster and faster everyday. I can’t breathe.

I told myself I don’t deserve to be treated like this. To be ignored and misunderstood, but what else can you do without appearing like some psychotic sad and weak individual? Damn, I am weak but it also took courage to finally speak up. I am disgusted of my own self but I can’t keep going like this for another year. Why are you always so attached to the ones who are not even good for you? This world is so messed up.

I can’t tell if your decision to ignore me was because you couldn’t be bothered, or there was something else I never knew about, but I know that only you could help me go through this phase and get me out of this rut. I want to save myself, but I can’t do this without you.