A Letter To Myself

Dear Self,

Exactly one month from today, you will be closing yet another chapter of your life. 

The bittersweet of being 26, and starting anew at 27. 

NB: Although I would normally write a handwritten 4 pages long letter, I thought I'd do it differently this year. I wanted to write an Open Letter to Myself. A lot had happened, some shared here, some loosely posted on Twitter and many were left unspoken. Ever since my 24th birthday, I have always wanted to make sure that I'd find pieces of myself, and grow into a better person. The journey has not been easy. It has been really hard, and exhausting and emotionally draining. 

Dear Self, 

Today you are well, yet 30 days from now - a lot could happen. There is no way of knowing, of course. 

Each year I would remind you of all the things you've gone through in the last 335 or 365 days. It still doesn't feel great to learn that all the things you've assumed when you were 16 haven't happened to you yet. At 16, you thought you'd be married by 23, have kids by 25 and most probably got everything figured out by 27. Not true. 

At 23, you graduated with your first degree and your parents weren't very happy about it so you both hated yourself and the way they underestimated all the hard work you've put into your studies. At 24, you were stuck at a job you didn't know whether to stay or leave. You got into this whole mess about falling in love with the wrong person too. You were a wreck and everyone resented your guts but only you knew the truth, really. At 25, you got engaged, thought you were finally gonna get things right but in the end, you both lost your job and your fiance. The worst part, you thought you could end everything if you could just die, or kill yourself. 

At 26. All you ever wanted was to let everything go and to start living. 

In order to start living, you needed to be able to confront, accept and embrace your shortcomings. So you kept trying, and failing and making new mistakes along the way. This is why this has been one of the toughest years for you emotionally. 

You've become more open about your struggles with depression and anxiety. You're not ashamed of just being who you are although there are still moments when you feel very insecure and afraid of not being enough. You fear that you are not doing things at your maximum capability, you fear that you are slowly falling into a state where everything is just stagnant and you'd be stuck with it forever. There are so many things that make you anxious and worried because you believe that life is so much more than all these. 

It sometimes feels like a late-twenties sort of crisis. So, I guess this is normal? It must be normal to want to do more, to seek for drive and motivation and find something more fulfilling. It must be normal to have this desire to become successful in your own definition. 

Everything that had happened in the last four years helped to shape who you are today. Sure, you've lost so much from losing friends and opportunities but there was no regret because you gained so much more from all these events. The good, the bad and the in-between. 

I know you are tired. I know the process is slow and difficult because wherever you are, whether you are having a good or bad day, you still secretly wish that you could control some parts of your life. You wish you had more courage to speak up, to stand up for yourself and to let others know what they've put you through. 

Despite it all, I now would like to remind you of all the things you've accomplished in a year. So you lost your job, but you were determined, hard working and faithful. You got to have a taste of working in the Marketing department, even though it was a one-man show but you were doing tasks that you quite enjoyed (and possibly missed right now). Then you landed a job that you are still trying to really embrace but it's less stressful. The chance was really slim but you got the job. Kudos!

Although you didn't travel as much but you made it to Jakarta, Bandung and Japan! You are still gushing over your Japan trip even if it has been like 3 months now. You are reading more, and you've quite a lot of time to watch movies and tv-series at home. Meaning, you've been spending a loooot of time at home that I think your parents are kinda sick of you being such a couch potato. 

You began to learn that you needed to experience something to fully understand a moment, a situation, a circumstance and so on. So when you are faced with an obstacle, you are less likely to react negatively towards it. It puts you in a confusing state sometimes but you have matured so much that you don't act so impulsively. I think this is some kind of a strength. 

I don't know whether I should feel proud or otherwise because I do like the fact that you are not overwhelmed by keeping up with an image. I like that you stay true to yourself. I like that you grow old so naturally that you no longer feel pressured by age (and what's expected of you when you're at a certain age).

I like that you are constantly still trying to practice kindness and compassion. And for getting rid of those that are toxic. Weehuu, good riddance! 

Perhaps, changes take a long time. You don't just see a renovated home done overnight, right? Improvements take time, patience and hard-work. You will still hit rock bottom but I think you're smart enough to stand up and try again. You fought through wars, and you are still alive. Maybe it's atypical to love someone like you, but make believe that you are made of someone's ribs and he will find you eventually. 

You will turn 27, and you have indeed become a better version of yourself and you will continue to become better. You will soon find something that would spark fire or firework in your soul, and maybe you won't get everything figured out but for as long as you find contentment and satisfaction in the little things, I think that'll be alright. Learn to forgive those who do not know that you've been hurt by their actions. Learn to give a little more when you can. Throw out good words and good thoughts like confetti. Let someone know that they are not alone. Keep living. Keep being. Keep breathing too. 

I love you. 

Sincerely, 

Your thoughts.