To My Bestfriend, Rocky

Four years were not enough for me to ever be ready to bid you goodbye. Neither is a week to get over the fact that you are no longer here with me and with us.

Your death shook my entire world, even though I knew that our days were numbered. It was midnight when Abang told me that you were already critical, so was the little kitten that seemed a little too weak that morning.

I came in and picked up the kitten, and tried to keep him warm. I went over to you and placed my palm on your skinny body and burst into tears. I couldn't stand seeing you in so much pain. You were wheezing, gasping for air, mouth open and tongue out. You couldn't move at all. I put a towel on your body and started to notice the discharge coming out of your swollen cheek. I kept cleaning it but was too scared that I'd hurt you.

I left the little kitten for awhile, after trying to force feed him with some water and soft food. He didn't make it.

So I sat by your side, petting you and assuring you that it was okay to go. I didn't even know if you were still there but we were looking at each other, and my heart cracked. At that moment, I thought about how you seemed fine the night before, eating more than usual, kept fighting for my attention over the kittens and I thought that you might've made it another year. I guess I was wrong.

I told you that I was going to go upstairs to pray and that it would be okay if you wanted to cross over while I was gone. I broke down in my prayers, and prayed that Allah would relieve him of his pain, and to grant me the strength to overcome such loss.

When I came back, I called out your name and you weren't moving or gasping anymore. I thought you were gone. I came closer, place my hand on your body and then, right there you took a deep breath and let it go. Your pupils dilated and you were cold. It was 2:14am.

I cleaned you up before I wrapped you in a towel. I wanted to make sure that I'd keep you warm, like the little kitten too. My eyes were filled with tears as I lifted your body. It ached me so much to know how skinny you've gotten, because having felt your bones scared me. I hated that you kept running away every time I wanted to clean you up. I hated that you thought you were not worthy of my care and attention.

That night the pain carved into my body. I wept all the way to my bed, to sleep but not really able to sleep at all. I woke up in tears that I couldn't even bring myself to see you for the last time before your burial. I wouldn't know how to handle that much pain.

The emotions I felt for the next few days were overwhelming. Every where I went in this house reminded me of you. My eyes were swollen from all the crying. I tried to cope, with all the support and love from friends, and family. Yes, Rocky was just a cat but only those who have lost a beloved pet would know how difficult it was.

For 3 days I couldn't bring myself to step outside the house albeit making plans to visit several open houses. I had caged myself inside the house. The mere thought of opening the front door and having the sun kissed my eyes made my knees weak and I knew even with one foot out, my entire body would shatter. I thought about it in my prayers and my body trembled. I resorted to taking naps so I wouldn't break down.

I miss you Rock. I miss you so much.

I wish you knew how much blame I put on myself lately. For not trying hard enough, for not making your final moments more comfortable, and just for not doing all that I could. I hope you've forgiven me. But mostly I hope you knew how much love I have for you, and will always do.

Please take care now Rocky. I pray we'll meet in paradise. A cat paradise!

Sleep well sayang. I love you entirely.