Processing My Soul

"Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can. And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away"

I am trying so hard not to want to write about it but listening to this track covered by Kina Grannis somehow punched a bigger hole in my heart. 

Sometimes I don't realise how I feel in a day, sometimes the pain is so embedded that it literally feels like nothing. Just an uncertain hollowness and emptiness inside this tank I called my body. Then you hear, touch, see or run into something and everything just crashes onto you. That's the part I can never quite understand. 

I've been really drained lately. Not because of work, but something more personal at home. I'll keep you posted on this one. I don't know if I'm losing sleep or not eating enough but I really don't know how to keep up anymore. I am not being mindful so I let everything pass by me. I just let things be. 

As much as I want someone to reach out to me, I really don't feel like talking to anyone. I want to be alone but I also want someone to say that they're worried or care about me. I guess I've been confused with how I'm feeling, and what I want to accomplish in this life. I am determined to make my life better, but I don't know if I'm capable so I stopped trying. 

I really hate myself everytime I wallow into this state of being, for feeling so pathetic. So I keep reminding myself that all of these are lies. That they're not real. But why would I want to burst out into tears so much in the midst of driving my parents home last night? 

They were talking about stuff, but I all I heard were noises and mumbling. It was raining and I really wanted to get my parents home safely, but I couldn't help but think of being there for the last time. I also couldn't help but notice how unaware they were of what I've been struggling with. Man, I must've been good at masking myself. 

I'm trying really hard to get over this. I'm also trying to stop believing that I need to fly away to make myself feel better because I really cannot afford it right now. I have to make-do with whatever I have and just embrace it. 

So "This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need."