"I wondered why I was always so lonely and then I realised that I was always playing different roles for different people but I never played the role of just myself and that's why I was lonely - the person everyone was with wasn't actually me."
The Japanese say that you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and family. The third face, you never show to anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.
Isn't it strange to learn that there could be multiple versions of yourself and yet, you make believe that you've always known who you really are? The more you try to figure yourself out, the more confusing it can get.
I always felt like I've gradually lost parts of myself and I worked so hard to search for it. It's also scary to think that there is a chance that you might not even like what you found. The harsh truth that you might not be the person that you think you are.
I have a love-hate relationship with myself, who doesn't right? There were moments where I just resented myself for a very long time and I continued to blame myself for things that I didn't do but thought it's what I deserved. I was stuck in a spot where I wanted to forgive myself but didn't think I deserve it. When I finally learned to let go, I felt free and content but somehow, I was never meant to keep that feeling.
I keep pulling myself apart to keep somebody else's whole. I wanted so much to be selfish, but I confused selfishness with self-abuse. I let myself suffer, and I don't know how to stop. It's this constant battle between wanting to let people in and pushing myself further away. One day, it makes sense and on other days, it's all bonker to me.
It's knowing that I let fears manifest my thoughts and letting depression make a home out of me. It's believing that I couldn't tell anyone what I truly feel because it felt like a burden. It's growing up being told that I couldn't be selfish because it was wrong but everyone around me has been so selfish thinking that only they matter. It's growing up never being told that you are loved for whoever you have been to them. That there is goodness inside you, and there is beauty in all that brokenness.
I grew up wishing I never existed in the first place because living in a state where you feel unworthy of yourself is a waste of living. Living in a body that is slowly dying inside is pointless.
But I am not always this sad you know.
I am capable of making someone laugh, or smile. I would invest my energy to make someone's day. I could be light, and funny and also frustrating. I am always the best version of myself when I am around my family and close friends. I am the worst when I am at work because there's so much limitation and rules. There is no freedom in being. And when I'm alone, in my room, I'm often quiet but always finding myself crying. I never knew how much weight I've been carrying on my shoulders until I open that bottle and let them out. Lately, I've been doing that a lot.
I'm so tired of being strong for other people but I also want to always be there for them. I want to make sure that they're okay. I don't know what I'll get out of these to be honest because I know eventually they'll leave anyway. I am always misunderstood and I'm so tired of justifying myself.
Perhaps, it's time to once again Let Go and Let God?
I always felt like I've gradually lost parts of myself and I worked so hard to search for it. It's also scary to think that there is a chance that you might not even like what you found. The harsh truth that you might not be the person that you think you are.
I have a love-hate relationship with myself, who doesn't right? There were moments where I just resented myself for a very long time and I continued to blame myself for things that I didn't do but thought it's what I deserved. I was stuck in a spot where I wanted to forgive myself but didn't think I deserve it. When I finally learned to let go, I felt free and content but somehow, I was never meant to keep that feeling.
I keep pulling myself apart to keep somebody else's whole. I wanted so much to be selfish, but I confused selfishness with self-abuse. I let myself suffer, and I don't know how to stop. It's this constant battle between wanting to let people in and pushing myself further away. One day, it makes sense and on other days, it's all bonker to me.
It's knowing that I let fears manifest my thoughts and letting depression make a home out of me. It's believing that I couldn't tell anyone what I truly feel because it felt like a burden. It's growing up being told that I couldn't be selfish because it was wrong but everyone around me has been so selfish thinking that only they matter. It's growing up never being told that you are loved for whoever you have been to them. That there is goodness inside you, and there is beauty in all that brokenness.
I grew up wishing I never existed in the first place because living in a state where you feel unworthy of yourself is a waste of living. Living in a body that is slowly dying inside is pointless.
But I am not always this sad you know.
I am capable of making someone laugh, or smile. I would invest my energy to make someone's day. I could be light, and funny and also frustrating. I am always the best version of myself when I am around my family and close friends. I am the worst when I am at work because there's so much limitation and rules. There is no freedom in being. And when I'm alone, in my room, I'm often quiet but always finding myself crying. I never knew how much weight I've been carrying on my shoulders until I open that bottle and let them out. Lately, I've been doing that a lot.
I'm so tired of being strong for other people but I also want to always be there for them. I want to make sure that they're okay. I don't know what I'll get out of these to be honest because I know eventually they'll leave anyway. I am always misunderstood and I'm so tired of justifying myself.
Perhaps, it's time to once again Let Go and Let God?
No comments:
Post a Comment