This year I participated to finish at least 12 books in a year, which means 1 book per month. I am actually behind with my targets but somewhat relieved that I've finally managed to finish one book recently.
Books that I've read:
It's interesting to point out that I've read 3 Malay (2 Indonesian and 1 Malaysian) and 3 English books so far. I've never quite read Malay books in the past but I found Indonesian novels to be easier to comprehend although there are certain vocabs or phrases that require the help of google translate. Otherwise, I am glad that I have friends who are willing to explain to me in greater detail.
This year I am more keen to learn and read on mental illnesses and realistic struggles, or simply those that could feed my understanding better on these areas. My top 2 favorites so far are:
- Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson ★★★★★
- So Much I Want to Tell You (Letters to My Little Sister) by Anna Akana ★★★★
Furiously Happy made me laugh so much that sometimes I forgot that it's a book written about Lawson's lifelong battle with mental illness. If it's anything, this is the one book that I would highly recommend to anyone seeking for a read that could help you embrace what you have. My wishlist from this is of course to have all books written by Lawson! This woman is incredible!
So Much I Want to Tell You felt like a book that taught me more about myself. It's a self-discovery through someone else's experiences. I picked up this book because of my own struggle with suicidal urges in the past, and some recurrent thoughts this year. A few months ago, I wrote a post on fantasizing my own death and I wanted so badly to stop myself from continuing to feel that life is not worth fighting for. Anna's openness in this book was unexpected but I guess if you were writing a letter to someone that you've lost, you would want to tell them everything. Through this read, I learned that I've been a hypocrite. As much as I want to raise awareness about mental illnesses, I was never able to seek help for myself. There are many reasons which now sounded like excuses.
I've always believed that it's mind over matter, and if I could convince myself that I'll get better eventually and that I have power over what's happening in my body, I could win it. Other times I thought that maybe I wouldn't be able to convince the doctors that I have anxiety and depression because of how good I am at masking them. And if I do go through therapy (which probably is more towards counseling), I might not be able to express everything that's been bothering me for the last 20 years or so. But God, I know the chemical imbalances in my body can be so exhausting to fight against. I want help, and I need help.
ON EVERYTHING ELSE:
I have so many things that had happened in my life that I haven't talked about openly. I've mentioned a few times about my PTSD rooting from the sexual harassment and molestations I went through when I was younger. Having been bullied a lot in schools made me feel very insecure about myself too. I've started having migraines as early as the age of 6 because my body was so stressed and I didn't know how else to release, other than in my sleep. I was then diagnosed with a sleeping bruxism and gradually developed a TMJ disorder, which is why I have to sleep with a mouth guard.
Then in my early teenage years, I loved binge eating so much that I always ended up throwing up (involuntarily) at least 7 times in a span of 30 minutes. This was how I started losing weight. Perhaps I didn't understand what was happening to my body but I guess I was subconsciously going through an eating disorder. Doctors kept telling me that I was below my BMI and that I was actually underweight, and all at the same time being anemic. Every single time that I ate more because of the medications I was on, I wallowed into this guilt and then I would starve myself just so I could keep a consistent weight. And because of this stupid habit, my body could no longer accept a normal meal portion for one. This is why I never finished my food because my stomach has probably shrunk over the years. However, the table's turned and I've gained about 5 kilos this year and have never been able to shed them off, even with excessive exercises and incredibly hard diet regime. I guess at this age, my focus now is to have a healthy body rather than being at a certain size and weight.
Sometimes it's difficult for me to explain why living is hard. It's accepting all these and embracing each and every one of them without having to blame those around me. That sometimes I am the consequences of my own choices. That if I want a better life, I have to make that first step into whatever it is that needed to be done. So I started small through reading and practicing self-compassion and mindfulness. And I am so thankful that there are still so many out there sharing their lives and battles with us, so we all could recover and get better together.
"I think we're afraid, but that's the whole point of life - that facing down our fears provides for a richer experience"
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