Ambedo

I took out my Macbook for the first time in months - or has it been a year? I don't know, 2024 seemed to fly by so quickly and somehow, I am just so glad that it's over, honestly. 

I could very easily write this post using my other laptop - faster, lighter, and probably won't shut down if I move it even so slightly but this macbook holds memories. I feel bad that I've left it unused for so long, leaving the battery to die and needing a replacement. Anyhoot, that could be tomorrow's problem to think about. 

I had been hesitant to write on my blog because I got scared. I got scared of opening up and sharing things online. I don't ever want this to seem like I am crying for attention but this blog - it's my space, my platform to express whatever I want to, right? And if someone out there can't accept the way I write, or how my mind works...then please, just let me be. 

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My dearest gentle reader ( lol )

How has life been? Was 2024 good to you? Are you glad it's a whole new year and you can start over again?

2024 was a bit of this and that, somewhat like bittersweet dark roast coffee with a hint of vanilla. The humidity was crazy because you struggle to recover from your seasonal allergies and rashes. But on top of it all, the spike in cortisol levels in your body could turn a good person into a monster. 

There were some good moments in that year. Walking through the streets of Hanoi, the endless buzzing sounds of Jakarta, and feeling lost in Bangkok. . and perhaps, finding comfort in someone's arms. So warm that sometimes at night, I still crave it. 

I guess a lot of people called it the year where everyone was a on survival mode. I could resonate. There were so many things that were beyond my control, but still, every part of it consumed me entirely, and at the end of it, I was emptied out. However, the moment anyone I love needed me - I gathered every single drop of that energy I had left, so I could be there for them. 

Slowly, I began to lose interest in my work. Work had been one of my biggest stress factors. Actually, it's not the workload, it's the people, the environment and how lonely it was. The commuting gets to me every so often. My back was aching a lot, and my body felt so mush and exhausted all the time. 

The last 4 months of 2024 were prominently painful and dark. My workplace was sucking the energy out of me, and somehow, as simple as it sounds, at the end of the day - I just needed someone to talk to. About my mundane day and how annoying my co-workers had been. There were colleagues I could talk to, and we'd have lunch together, but somehow - I needed more. I needed someone to check in on me and ask about my day, and not make it seem like I was just complaining. 

I learned to talk less. So I listened more. 

My mind and my body got heavier each day, that I would wake up in the middle of the night, with chest pain. Then I woke up in the morning, my face all grumpy just because I was still so tired. Like I could literally felt the puffiness of my eyes. I knew where this was all going...

DECEMBER. 

My least favourite month of the year. 

"The pain of having lost something major is so intense, you wish that it's physical only so you could locate it and massage it with your family's most trusted ointment. Find it, extract it, and heal." YL

For the first time, I admitted defeat. I completely surrendered myself to God and admitted how weak I felt, and how exhausting it had been. I couldn't pray for more strength patience, or resilience... I just wanted to be able to breathe again. 

I thought I could reach out to some friends, and maybe just catch up. I just didn't expect that most of them recommended me to get therapy. Had I gone so dark or depressed enough to be needing it? Perhaps. Perhaps it's the passive suicidal ideation or the longing for just one person to tell me "I'll be here for you, we'll get better together" - and because I felt like everyone was pushing me away, I thought I must've been a bad person, or at least not worthy enough to be anyone's friend. I drowned myself in this negative conversation, yet I always got so angry at how harsh I could be to myself. 

"YOUR BUCKET, IT'S FULL."

The four words that I didn't expect I needed to hear - to confirm that I wasn't crazy. Because I deserve to feel happy again, and to be in my best mental state, I decided to go for therapy and seek help. Because my bucket is so full, all that I could do lately was just cry. My Dr also helped to shift the way I look at things, especially myself. I have to be able to recognise my own values, to see why my circumstances are in the way that it is. He understood where I was coming from, and was shocked about where it all started. My PTSD is real and apparently - living with it has consumed the best of me, so I would have a lot to do, to unload and let go of everything that's been kept. I am scared, but I am determined. 

My meds are kicking in and I should be getting a fully restful sleep tonight. I'm sick, and alone, but God is with me - and I know He knows I'll get out of this soon. or maybe He'll gift me with a newer shinier bucket to start over. 

I will write better, once I get all my thoughts properly placed together. But for now, 

Until then. x 

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2023

 

Wow. 2023 unfolded in a way that I could never expected it to be. 

Prayers were made, and prayers were heard but the circumstances given were beyond what I'd hoped for. 

Some moments still felt like they happened yesterday, but most days I tried to move forward still hopeful that better things would come. How was it in January, I got summoned to the management office to be told that there were complaints about me? For "joking around" with colleagues but was told that I was being disrespectful to those who'd been there longer than me. I honestly couldn't comprehend it until now. I became so conscious and wary at work, that I almost didn't want to talk or engage with anyone unless I had to. 

Most days I feel extremely demotivated about coming to work. The workload itself has been manageable, but it's the environment and the people that haven't been the best part of it. In April, we were reshuffled and I would've never expected to be assigned to work in Temburong. When I got called to the Director's office, as she explained to me the reason why I was assigned there, I completely zoned out. I felt lost, uneasy, and unsure of what just happened. It felt like all the things that I've worked hard for that previous year went to waste. I thought I was just getting started, but then I was starting all over again. Being in the Temburong office meant different KPIs, projects, and a bigger team to manage. Most of it, I was never quite familiar with, It took me a while to get used to commuting and adjusting with my new team. I went from a team of 3 to a team of 7. I went from working within budget to working on 11-12 programs per year. I still have days where I cried from physical and mental exhaustion just from work. 

Financially, I thought I'd be able to make drastic improvements in the way I'd spend money. Unfortunately, I'm still living paycheck to paycheck. It's not that I have bad spending habits, it's just that things are getting more expensive, and with the whole commuting, I'm spending more on fuel and maintaining my car. 

A couple of months ago... my maid didn't return from her "leave". 

Although I was hesitant at first, she insisted that she had to go back to sort out her family matter. I gave her 10 days of leave and even sorted all her travel arrangements. I waited for her at the airport, but she never showed up. This broke me. With no maid, there would be no one to take care of the cats if I was away. I was so angry, that I spammed my maid's facebook account until she blocked me, and of course, I kept making new accounts to bombard her page with all my rage. We were never hard on her, in fact, I felt as if she was overpaid and she had way too much time to nap for hours every day. With this, I used up all my savings to get a new maid. But even so, I still encountered issues dealing with agents and ended up paying more than I should. Ugh, I hate all this adulting stress. 

Least to say, financially... I am currently broke. Even with my performance bonus, I still have to pay the remaining fee to the agent (cause she made me take a maid who was beyond the fee I agreed upon), paying things for the house like garbage collection services, groceries, rentals, and especially getting my cats' food and litter every month. 

My main goal has always been finding a career that pays well, and at the same time, mentally fulfilling for me. I'm not a lazy bum, so it's never about finding an easy job. It's about finding a career that I feel would have a positive impact on me personally and the community that I am working in/with. I don't think I found that yet this year, so I am still very hopeful that better things are coming in 2024. 

On personal growth, 

Well... 

I've tried my best to survive. I guess I've survived a lot privately this year. I learned how my traits and behaviors have affected the people that I care for and how much I've stepped out of my own comfort zone. How there were so many times, I stared at my trembling hands, I felt all my thoughts colliding against one another, I forgot how to breathe and my whole entire body just ached from tension. In a lot of ways, I've also learned how wounded I am from my childhood trauma, and how much I needed someone to recognize the reason why I feel so emotionally sensitive, and why I react to situations the way I normally do. I tried my hardest to change so I could be a better person to everyone around me. Somehow, it made me wonder how much I resisted being angry at all. I get upset but I don't ever let myself burst into anger. I wonder if I do, would I even recognize myself? Even if growth is not too drastic this year, I would like to believe I've made some progress. 

I spent 6 days in the hospital this year, where most days I couldn't even leave the bed. I could still recall the journey from the ward to the operating room, how I watched the lights flicker above me, and how the doctors and nurses were trying to explain to me the whole procedure. The whole 2-3 hours I was out felt like the best sleep I've ever had in my entire life. Then the next 3 months of recovery felt like hell to me. In fact, I haven't even fully recovered up until today. 

I've also traveled a little this year. Some were good, some I wished I could rethink the whole trip. But I traveled by myself for the first time in a while last month. I did meet with a few friends along the way, but most of the time I was by myself. Felt strange at first, but I allowed myself to immerse in the anxiety and uncertainties and just went with the flow. I took my time, I talked to strangers and I felt good in my own body. I really can't wait to do it all over again. 

On personal relationship, 

Well....I've always been a private person, so I don't think there's much I can share here. I am happy where I am, and I don't really want to pursue anything or anyone or reciprocate advances because I don't really need it right now.  

So I guess that's it for 2023. Same old story, just older. 

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I fell, again.

Months. 

I tried to keep it together for months, but my body gets heavier to carry and I don't know how much longer I could pretend like I'm okay. 

I haven't been okay. It's not like I haven't felt this pain before, and it's not like I haven't healed from it too but the more I tried to treat my wounds, the more it opened up. I don't know if I could heal from all of these. 

Lately, it's just the thought of wanting things to end. I've come to terms that I'm too much of a people pleaser that I kept wanting to care for people's feelings and then adding more weight to my shoulders. I know that I am allowed to be selfish and choose the path that would be better for me mentally, and emotionally.  I just want to keep brushing off the thought that dying would be my only option. 

Things can get very dark in my head. I'm so exhausted from apologising and then continuously blaming myself for hurting other people. I want this exhaustion to end. I want to stop feeling tired, I want to stop crying at night, I want this pain to stop and I want to stop asking God to take my life simply because I hate the situation that I am in right now. 

Taking myself out of social media was supposed to be better for my mental health, but the reality that I am in right now is something that I wish I could deactivate myself from. I thought life would improve with a new job, and moving forward with it but I hate my job, I hate the toxic work culture and I hate that it's someone's feeling that I have to care and respect them when they don't even give a shit how that ended up making me feel. 

My coping mechanism at the moment is just to sleep, and spend the money that I don't have. I wanted to read more, write more, and finish whatever I've started, but I am so exhausted that I let my depression just take me over. I didn't set a goal for the new year, I didn't want to have a resolution, because I don't know if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm at the peak of giving up but I am also fighting against it, and trying to have more faith in myself. So I am writing this post, to remind myself that even though I am at my lowest, and my most vulnerable state, I shall rise again and when I do... this will remind me that I carry a strength amid the heaviness that I thought I could not carry by myself. Pain and suffering are part of growth after all. 

 

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Before I go

Long ago, mornings were sweeter when I saw you lying next to me. 

But for a while now, I could only wake up to thoughts of you. The unwritten intimacies that we both had were set in a world where only you and I both existed. A world that had now come to an end. 

It's heartbreaking, to lose. 

I didn't think I'd feel that heartbreak, honestly. I didn't think I was capable to feel as much as I did over the last few days, but it was one of the biggest waves I'd felt in a while. It was sleeping with nightmares and night sweats that no one knew of unless you told them. I was trembling, and my chest was caving in like I had fallen deep into the ocean. 

I didn't die but something in me did today. 

I have always loved seeing growth in you, and simply because of this, I could finally learn to accept the fact that I would rather see you smile with someone else than see you cry with me. Perhaps my ego was bruised by the thought of being replaced but all the emotions, efforts, and love that I've invested in you would never ever be the same with anyone else and truly, the memories we've created together hold such a special place in my life. Maybe Joji's Glimpse of Us might even be the perfect track to all of these. When we no longer could be a call or text away, I hope you know I'd never forget you. 

Before I end this chapter - which could merely just be a line in yours, 

You are my warmth on any cold nights. 

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Melancholia

 

(Loving Vincent, 2017)

If there's anything that I've consistently been doing, it's crying without apparent reason. It's that deep sadness that aches me. It's this uncertain loneliness when I'm not particularly lonely. 

Is it melancholia? Is it depression again? 

I am trying to be gentle with myself. I tried to bring myself into a conversation - mindfully dissecting my emotions and validating them. 

Yesterday, I burst into tears in the middle of work. Perhaps I've been hard on myself, stressing over my lack of productivity at work despite having plenty to do. It's not that I didn't want to do it - I just didn't know where to begin. I pressured myself to produce results.

On the other hand, I googled why it always seemed like I am seeking validation.  For years, I tried to convince myself that I, myself, am enough. I don't require external validations - but I know that this is my inner-child screaming for me to treat the wound. I grew up trying so hard to please my parents, and by giving them what they wanted, I got rewarded and praised. My parents would feel proud, albeit temporarily. I yearned to be validated. I yearned for praises and approval. I wanted to be enough. So when things didn't go the way they wanted it to be, I became nothing but a constant subject of complaints. It became one of the most painful periods of my life. 

I put a lot of effort and thoughts into the things that I do, in general, because let's be honest, sometimes I am a people pleaser. When instead of feeling appreciated, you get knocked down by a list of what went wrong - it's easy to just crumble again. All that effort felt so wasted and maybe I made a mistake somewhere somehow. 

So I told myself, at this present moment ... I feel small, and that I have shrunk myself again. I have to allow this sadness to pass and let the stormy days do what it needs to do. Because surely, even when the darkness wraps you up at night, it will be bright again. I know this because I took the time to observe the sunrise this morning. I took the time to breathe. I took the time to look up, close my eyes and let the wind gently blow on my face. 

That's my rant for today. Thanks for reading anyway. 

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Year of Consistencies

 

Hi. 

Has it really been a while since I last wrote? For so many reasons, I was very hesitant to write again but anyway, I'll give it a try. 

How was your 2021? For me personally, it was tolerable. Work really got me to my bones and I was extremely burnout that I was lowkey thankful for the partial lockdown that happened from August-November 2021. It gave me time to rest, albeit pulling more hours working but at least I didn't have to rush to work each morning. On the plus side, I got to see my niece every single day and any time throughout the day. She's truly a blessing. 

My burnout gave me so many reasons why I wanted to leave my current workplace. I understand that many people would prefer if I was more grateful for my job, but I wished others could understand why leaving was the better option. I wrote about an interview that I thought didn't go so well, but Allah is All-Knowing and He surely is the best planner after all. Alhamdulillah, I have been offered a permanent job in the Government Sector. This was the highlight of my 2021. Those who didn't know this fact, I have been working for a temporary position for over 5 years, and I can only receive one salary increment every 3 years or when my term gets renewed. With all the burnout and mental turmoil that I felt last year, it was not worth fighting for. 

I didn't really do much in 2021 because I really did not have the energy and I was just so exhausted all the time. I looked at my photos and realised that it felt like I'd lost that "glow" where I always looked so dull in pictures, and that made me feel insecure about myself. 

Life is pretty lonely and quiet on my end. Grateful that I still have at least one person I can share my day with, but friends had started to drift away and somehow they didn't want to be in a group anymore. It's sort of awkward when your friends were better off in a group than having to communicate with them individually. I'm trying to create new connections with other people but I just didn't feel like keeping up with anyone at the moment. 

To conclude 2021, I just thought December was the most meaningful out of it all. In previous years, I would spend many nights in December dealing with my random depressive episodes and very dark moments as I gathered all my emotions and tried to begin the new year with a better mental state. However, last year I was quite spoiled with parting gifts and just receiving that much attention made me feel slightly better about myself. I hadn't felt the slightest sadness about leaving my job and I'm not sure if that's normal. Since I had to submit a 3-month notice, I won't be able to start working at my new workplace until March this year, and I am currently clearing off 76 days of leave before I permanently leave my current job. 

... and here we are, two weeks into January and the year 2022. 

My maid had decided to leave ahead of her contract because of a "family" thing, and this was not good news to me. I admit I come from a privileged family, and I am so used to having a helper that days are going by so slowly these days. Although my maid wasn't that excellent at her job, at least, I was very thankful for how much she had helped me to maintain the cat house on daily basis. It's not that I am not capable of doing it myself, but the anxiety that it gives me on daily basis is starting to freak me out. I am also trying to understand the reason for my anxiety because I know that I am capable of handling the chores, but there is something that wouldn't let my mind be at ease. Well, it's only been a week now - other than the constant back pain and sore legs,  I am spending more time with all my cats. 

I don't really keep a resolution because I don't want to give that much pressure on myself, especially when at the end of it, I realise that I got nothing done so I just hope this year I can be more consistent with whatever it is that I have stopped doing such as reading, exercising, saving and so on. Being consistent is better than waiting for when I feel motivated to do something because let's just be honest, I am always demotivated to do anything. Lol. I am also trying not to be hard on myself if some days, I just want to take things easy and let the day just be. I get that when I go on socials, I see so many people who are doing that extra mile and who seem to be doing a thousand times better than I do, but I am living in my own bubble that my pace may be slower than others, but eventually, we'll get there anyway, right? So I'm still going at my own pace, in my own lane. Who cares what 31 or 32 should be - what matters is that you feel good about where you are and the things that you do. 

I am a person who enjoys good energies and I find that energies are so important so this year - I am manifesting on that good thought, good energy, and good vibe. Hopefully, my new workplace will bring me just that! I wish I could talk more about where I'll be heading or what field I will be venturing into but there's not much I could say about it now. 

Well, I wish this blog was better structured but I was just going with the flow. It's probably not a good piece, but I thought I'd share an update or two. 

So here's to a year of being consistent and showing up - even when you don't have the motivation to do it. I also hope this year we can travel safely again, because I am so in need of a vacation, and to be with the people who matter most to me. 

I am going to end this here. 

Until then. Happy 2022. 

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Love Languages

When you met someone who spoke all of your love languages, you began to set the standards quite high for everyone else who tried. This may be useless to bring up but sometimes I would go through my box of letters, postcards, cards, and randomities only to feel like someone cared for me enough to do things that they wouldn't normally do for someone else. 

I enjoy being reassured. Although it may not seem like it, I do have insecurities and when someone tells me that they're proud of me, that they know I can go far, and consistently showing their support for the things I do, I bloom. I used to have these people in my life and I'm always thankful for their effort to keep me happy. I pray that they are well. 

There's this question that often lingers in my mind - "how much do you exist in someone's life?" 

Oftentimes, it saddens me when you would only realise when the person is no longer in your life. You could feel the space that was once filled by their existence, and it turns into pain. My cousin passed away sometime last year and it was quite unexpected although she had been sick for a while. It was then I realised the role that she had played in our lives. She would always text in the group chat, and the group just became so quiet after she got admitted and even more so after she left. We always talked about how nice it would be to have her around during certain occasions and moments in our lives and I still remember the last time I held her in my hands and said my farewell. I was so sorry for misunderstanding her sometimes and how seldom I would come to visit. My heart was so heavy because I finally felt the weight of the space that she had accumulated in my life. 

I had friends who had departed from my life, yet they were also the people who always made me feel good about myself. It's always the little things like checking in, bringing you out for lunch or dinner, asking about your day, listening to your rants but I never really had friendships that last. I have trust issues and when that trust is betrayed, I tend to distance myself but would still be able to talk to that person. Some friends just drifted away because life happens and some friends just cut ties with me because of my trust issue. It's a little hard to lose your support system but it also gives you the space to grow for yourself. It is always when that person no longer exists in your life, you begin to measure and define what they meant to you. I would fight for something that's worth fighting for but at the same time remind myself that everything is impermanent especially your connection to someone. 

Honestly, I don't know how much I exist in someone's life and sometimes I sort of want to die just to find out. I know well enough that I don't really mean very much to many people because you could just see how much better they are without me. Do I ever cross their mind? Maybe not. Do they still cross my mind? Yes. When I open the box of letters and randomities, I would still find letters or cards from my exes and I would begin to cherish the efforts that they made just for me and I hope they would do the same for their current partner. Romantic gestures are still trending and they should not stop after marriage or when you have a child. I would totally recommend writing your partner a letter or sending them a random e-mail just to show them that you were thinking about them. Or perhaps, you should find out what their love languages are. This is also a reminder for me. 

Anyway, I don't really know how to end this post. I just thought of writing something to make myself feel better and I don't really know if anyone would read it. And once again, probably just sending a gentle reminder to show someone that you care! 

Stay safe and until then. Please take care !

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